Another day another brain fart in Lab Meeting

This is my second lab meeting. In my first lab meeting there was ALOT I told my self I would have to look up. And since I was unfed and exhausted there was a part I missed.

In this lab meeting I kind of fell asleep because the last presenter started talking about neurology. I wasn't seeing the connection except for the fact that there was NFkB in the subject and the fact that HIV infects microglia. But the connection never came they never made it across the bridge so my attention started to move on. I don't even remember what I was thinking about.
All of the sudden the PI interrupts and asks, "Isa, do you know what Chromatin Immunoprecipitation is?" I automatcally answered "No," just because I heard the word Chromatin. Then as she explained it all came back to me, "CHip!" Out of all the things in the world how could I fucked up with CHip?
I have no idea, but it happend. I blushed soooo hard for getting caught like that in the first place. And then I wanted to crush my head on the table when I realized that I already knew Chip
By the way Chip is used to detect if a protein binds to a specific gene or part of a genome, in vivo. Yeah, brain farting here. Can someone shoot me?

Reviewing a paper in the New Lab..

So this paper was submitted to a very important Journal. It had 7 figures and for each figure it had 5 supplementery figures. I had been trying to read the paper for a week. By the weekend I understood it and was optomistic, by today, in the morning I was not so optomistic, between the things that they would say in the paragraphs and the things that were in the figure...

The way a paper is reviewed in this lab is that each and everyone of us says if they like it, what do they think the relevance is, and how it flowed... Then a leader talks about the paper, going figure by figure saying what it is they think is wrong with the figure and what they like/don't like.

It took 2 hours to go thru this paper. I barely said a word. There was only 2 figures I spoke of and my opinions were hardly heard. But before I had joined the meeting I had sat down with my post doc and told her the things I thought were wrong. It was a bad and good thing to do. First, it was good because she got to see that I had caught ALOT of the mistakes that she had caught and second it was bad because at the meeting she just said what I said along with all the other stuff she'd caught.
It is not that she stole my opinion it is just that most of them were obvious. She actually mentioned my name on some of the statements.
Anyways. I like that about this lab. The fact that the PI actually shares reviewing papers with you cause that way you get to see why papers get rejected. It makes you even MORE critical. So I caught some stuff but at the same time I got to see and listen to what other experiments could be done.
Since I didn't say much I am pist off at myself for having stressed so much.
Today when my PI entered the meeting room he looked very upset (mad) but then he immediately lightened up. I thought he would take his stress out on us like SOOOOOOO many PI's do but NOPE. So far my PI is a sweetheart. GOD I hope he stays that way!

So happy together: Tahoe 2007

Why we need to LET go.

Hey! This entry is more for all the women I know that have had a LOT of trouble letting go...

Some weeks ago, I watched a movie about Camille Cloudel. Camille was the lover of Rodin and at the same time a fine sculptor herself. She was the one that did most of the work on his sculptures. She was his pupil. At the time it was very common for artists to have pupils doing most of the work and then them coming in to put their last minute “genious” into the work. This is very close to what happends between a lot of PI's and their Post Docs.. They had a very intense and wonderful affair but Rodin was married with multiple children. In the end Camille got pregnant and had an abortion. When she asked Rodin to marry her she got nothing back but rambling. In his last exhibition before she left him, everyone knew that the one to praise was her.

And after that, the story is ultra sad really. Here was this talented artist that could have surpassed the very Rodin but instead she wallowed in their break up for so long so deeply that in the end she ended up turning into a schizophrenic paranoid freak.
This is what the movie depicted.
It was painful to watch her waste away her talents on a love that could have never been. I myself don’t understand women that attempt anything with married men.

Camille was institutionalize for 20 years of her life from how crazy she got for a love that never was. It is so hard I know, but sometimes we just can't trust our hearts, we have to go with our brain cells. In the end you have to ask your self what do I want? Do I want to keep wallowing in this or do I want to make new stories, new events in my life.

I for one, have to say that I am ultra glad I chose the latter. I never thought it would turn out this good. When I threw away the Rodin in my life, I became a zombie for 3 years! To actually look at the current relationship and see NOTHING, absolutely NOThing wrong? I never could have imagined that before. It just couldn't possibly get better.

I've seen women that haven't let go. I saw, many times the alternative, the "Camille" pathway. In fact when I was watching this movie I remembered how close I HAD been to Camille's situation. I could have easily gone schizophrenic and gone into an institution. It is easy really. This option is the easy way. Because to let go it takes tons of energy it takes time. Going nuts, feeling sorry for yourself, and wallowing doesn't take any effort at all. It is what your heart wants you to do, it is what your body wants to do and it is what your mind can do at the time.

Going to work, getting that degree you always wanted, trying to imagine some one new touching you, working on a new relationship, THAT takes EFFORT, that takes STRENGTH. And it is just SO worth it, so BEYOND worth it. Just try it. Only, you must remember, it took ME 3 years!!!! So this is not going to happen overnight. Nothing good in life happends overnight. Except maybe a capture antibody in an ELISA. And even that sometimes just turns out shitty.

See you later kitties.

Friends or Results?

So here I am in UCSF.
What can I say? Oh it is just wonderful? I love it?
Well that is not exactly the story.
For the first time in my life I have friends. And guess what? Those friends are in Berkeley. So here I am in a 100x's better HIV research lab in UCSF but I am just miserable.
This morning I was thinking that UCSF was right to reject my ass. I am not like the other rotation students in that lab. It is Albert Einstein all over again. I can't communicate with anyone. They are "too smart too educated" to talk to me. So here I am, stuck in a corner yet getting results. Whats more important?
It is okay, I can talk about results because Carlos said that evil gnomes can't swim across to San Francisco and the toll is too expensive for gnomes and the traffic alone will kill them with frustrations. So there, thats one good thing about UCSF, the evil gnomes can't reach my results and destroy them.

Like I was asking... Whats more important? Friends or results? I've been wanting both all my FUCKING life. Can I have my cake and eat it too? There is soooo much money in this lab it is ridiculously delicious. It is as delicious as Prailines and Cream Ice cream. But what do I do about social skills? I've got NO ONE over there. It is like being stranded in the Island of San Francisco. I've already given up so much, sleep, children, pets, family, the East Coast, what else? Now my new friends?
Wonderful.
Welcome to science you Fucking Naive idiots... May you all get the Nobel Prize in a month.

Happy 4th of July kitties..
Aww... It has been a fine day today.
Carlos and I went to a picnic at his job. It was ultra hot up there in Lucas Valley. Too hot for a picnic but the burgers were good.
We ended up lying down on the grass under a tree next to a lake. We stayed for 2 1/2 hours.. I met 2 of his bosses but they were very short on the conversation.
Carlos doesn't know that many people yet.
Anyways we came home and we just laid on the couch fell asleep for like an hour and then started preparing our burgers for Sheri and Maria.
It is supposed to be my week off but all I am doing is stressing over my next rotation.
I am procrastinating by cleaning the apartment, obsessing over a wedding thats in 2 years and Haggen Daz ice cream, and then stressing in between. At the end of last week and the beginning of this one I was depressed over my last presentation. I just didn't like it.
I think I am finally recuperating.
Tomorrow I'll start reading over HIV, and then on Friday we are supposed to take off to Tahoe! Wooooo HOOOO!