This month so far has been pretty weird. After I got over that terrible flu thing that is going around I started feeling emotionally unstable...to say the least. Basically I felt like an alien partially took over my body. So while I felt like I was still in the body I felt like something else was making every observation and every decision I handed down to me. Many things happened between the month of December and January that could have triggered this but I just didn't feel like I could handle it. I couldn't handle not knowing what it was and I couldn't handle feeling like that at all. It was taking me, basically, 4 hours just to get dressed to go to work, and then it took so much effort to focus on driving, and then I was crying on the way to work.
It would fade as the day went by. Seeing my friends at work, talking to them, telling them how I felt, joking about it, doing experiments, having to focus on other things, helped.. So at the end of the day I would think, "I feel better, aww, it should go away by the end of the day or week". And then the end of the day would pass and it would start all over again... that feeling of uselessness, that inability to handle any type of pressure, of nothing at all making sense, of nothing at all having a purpose. I didn't even feel like a human being.
Then the end of the week came and it was still there. I ended up pretending I was happy at work so that people wouldn't ask me what was wrong. It was so easy I surprised myself. By the end of the week I was desperate, I was looking for anything. How long would this last? Jesus Christ!
The next week went by. I felt like I was loosing myself completely. I wasn't remember who exactly I had been before. I went out with Sheri to a diner around home and we talked about everything that had come at me, all the pressures at work, marriage, going back home to D.R., not seeing my family, wedding planning, loosing weight, keeping things from people, just about everything. By the end of it, I felt better. It felt good to just talk to someone I could say anything and everything to.
By the end of that week, my mom and sister were scheduled to come visit, finally! Carlos and I began buying stuff so that they could be comfortable in our home. Two weeks later a day before the scheduled date, my mom finally answered the phone (this was after I had called her all week) . Since she had not answered the phone all week long I had thought that they were trying to somehow surprise me, by the end of the week I thought someone had died in the family I called everybody to see what was going on and no one answered. Finally, the day before the scheduled date of arrival she answers, only to tell me that she will not visit.
I didn't react right away. It took me an hour to realize how angry I was. How hurt, how stupid I felt for believing her. How did I not see this coming? How dare I think that my mother will actually step on an airplane and come visit me. I was so angry I kicked the week of my car, I cried, I screamed, and I don't know how, but I made it home. That same night I saw Sheri and I told her about it and then I calmed myself and we hung out looking at magazines talking about her wedding.
More things happened that week and the week before but there is only so much about my life I am actually willing to put in this blog. Lets just say things went from bad to worse.
Lets see how next week plays out.
