1-December 2006
My dear friends,
Merry Holidays to you all!
This year has been the best one of my life so far. I got married two days before it began, and then I got accepted to graduate school at UC Berkeley. Although this is something that no modern woman would admit, getting married, being in love with someone you are completely sure loves you just the same, being in a healthy beautiful relationship has been one of my top 10 dreams, ever since I was five. Yes, that early because I would look at my parents fighting and even at such a young age I rejected that life. But that’s not the point. The past is the past.
I have been through so much. When I think about it I realize that the words “so much” just don’t hold enough weight to describe it.
One of my many struggles has been with school. I think I struggled with school from day one. I mean I struggled in pre-k, no exaggerations. I have been trying to start a career in science for quite a while as many of you know. This is another dream that came true this year. I feel like everything I’ve ever wished for happened this year, really.
Graduate school, is such a beautiful yet difficult thing for me. It is not just going to class and passing your tests. It takes a toll on your inner strength, it personally wears you out. You love it to death and hated all at the same time. One minute you feel so smart so intelligent you look at the clock tower in the middle of campus and you feel like you are on top of the world. You feel taller than the tower but then… When reality sets in, and you think of all the things you have to accomplish through out the day you just can’t help but feel overwhelmed. Just imagine for a second that you are working with someone you’ve admired all of your life. You are working with someone you wish you could be like, if only just a little. Yet you know nothing, and you are struggling, you are working so hard and still, you hardly make ends meet.
This semester the best thing I did was presentations. I overcame my fear of public speaking and just DID IT and at least I belive, the three presentations I did were just beautiful! It felt good to see I was definitly good at one thing.
The hardest and most horrible thing for me has been tests. I used to think that the reason why I got bad grades was because I didn't study enough. Now I know that is not true. I have a huge problem with tests and I dont even know where to start to fix it. It is like a knot and it will not go away. The anxiety of the test blinds me, it keeps me from thinking. I do the stupidest mistakes and get the worst grades. During the test I can't focus, I have to read the question atleast 4 times before answering it.
You are in constant fear of disappointing ALL of the people that helped you get this far. In fear of ruining their reputation, of not being able to honor their recommendation, their words. You are constantly pushing yourself, working harder to accomplish at least a little of what you see yourself doing. You doubt yourself a million times; you wonder why they accepted you. I am not the only one that feels this way. My new friend Maria, she got accepted the same time I did, she too struggles with all this. At first she would sit and wonder with me why we got accepted. Then she stopped wondering, she got tired of it, but then she began to get these terrible migraine headaches and now from time to time we get together to wonder what the hell is wrong with us. It is clear as water why they accepted her, she is super intelligent, unbelievably talented, and I already see the scientist in her. I just wish I could see it in myself. I wish I had a mirror for the both of us that would show us both what we truly are, and anytime there is a shadow of self doubt the mirror would be there to remind us. Melissa is another student that also got accepted this year. She doesn’t like to show her feelings. The only thing that she seems to get excited over is football. No, my dear friends, the girl is not a lesbian. She is Caucasian and from the East coast. Maybe that says something to you, maybe not…..I don’t know, but even though I see her struggling, I know that she doesn’t like anyone to know it. She would hate the idea of my knowing how she is really doing, so I do not say anything. Sometimes she reaches over to me. Those brief times only last a few minutes, I’ve timed it up to 3 and then, then Melissa goes back to her cave. Where no one can see her emotions. All this tells me, graduate school is difficult and everyone is struggling, in some shape or form.
Sometimes, I even feel guilty that they accepted me and not one of the other applicants. It takes such a huge toll on your energy that every other day, you think of quitting. Yet, at least for me, I am not a quitter. I am in fact completely incapable of quitting something, especially when it is difficult. Usually the more difficult and impossible things sound the more I am attracted to them. This might be one of the explanations to why I am trying marriage after seeing so many divorces in my life.
Now that a New Year approaches without knowing if I’ll be able to stay another semester in this beautiful place, specifically the University “Berkeley” I grow scared that the New Year brings a dark rainy cloud with it for me. Just in case you are thinking that I am exaggerating the part of “not knowing if I may stay”, let me say that I am not sure I passed all of my classes.
It always rains after a sunny day doesn’t it? Sigh….
Oh well, I don’t want rainy days ahead, but I guess if they come I’ll know how to handle them, like I’ve always have…
Thank the heavens I’ve got Carlos. I don’t know what I’ve would have done without him these past few months or if rainy days do decide to cover the rays of the sun away from me… He is like chicken soup to me. I am constantly in this storm and he just shows up, smiles at me, and all the sudden the world feels warm, safe, and wonderful again.
I always thought that "the more you have, the happier you are," being with Carlos has taught me so different. I don’t want anything more than to be happy with him. I don’t need big diamond rings, big white weddings, and huge palaces, as long as I’ve got him. It is such an imaginable good feeling, to look at your life in the present time and realize that you don’t want anything more anything different.
I hope that I somehow manage to stay in school and do even better than this semester so that years from now when I see my self in a student. When I see that poor terrified trembling struggling girl, I can calm her down. That would be nice. To be able to look back at all this, as I’ve had many things, and feel that sense of accomplishment. I am sure most of you have felt it; it is a very warm feeling.
No comments:
Post a Comment