Mutating into a Scientist

The torture of my ridiculous 2nd rotation is over. I presented yesterday. I feel like everyone thought I was the worst presenter they'd ever seen. I felt like Dr Beatty was just ashamed, dissapointed. But the truth is that I do not care. I am just glad to be out of there. At the same time this job is so heavy on your emotions and your stress that you even miss its worst moments. It is like a victim missing her abuser or something. So what do I mean by that? Well here I am at home, and instead of being completely happy that is over, on my first day off, my first day that I have overslept, Here I am missing my pipettes, missing experiments missing science.

Why is it that the longer I stay in this program the more obsess I become to science? Why is it that I can't even stay away from it for a day? I can't even bear to think of a whole week? What is going on? Am I mutating into a scientist? Has the mutation begun? Already at such an early stage.

I got to say I've learned hell of A LOT these past few semesters and rotations. When I first got to Berkeley I could hardly distinguish between a Western blot and a Northern and a Southern. I mean I would actually confuse them. Now they are so different to me. Now I know what I am looking for when I look at a gel.

This week off is not even really off. I need to re-read all of my HIV books again. I need to read my new boss's grant. I need to know as much as possible or else.... I want this new boss to want me in his lab. I want to be good. And at the same time, there are just NO excuses, cause baby this is HIV, Immunology, and Isa, we are talking about. I am supposed to know this! And of course I do not want to dissapoint anyone.
I am the first Berkeley student my new boss will experience. I can't afford to look like an idiot to him.
The last 2 presentations that I have done for my rotations can be summarized as pitiful, at least in my opinion. I want my 3rd rotation presentation to be phenominal in MY OPINION. I want to make so that when the professor asks me a question I can answer it and WILL! I don't want the professor to start a whole new conversation with my rotation mentor. I want my presentation to be REALLY GOOD. Impressive! So I am definitely gonna work on it really hard this time. I am not going to let myself get so buried in my work that I don't work on my presentation. That is all... That is a promise to myself.

My current boss, she wants to meet with me next week to talk. I don't know exactly about what. I am going to ask her to be crudely honest. I need the truth, so that next time I can know what I need to do.

Anyways....GOts to go start reading folks... sees you later!