Nothing and Everything...

There are so many things happening that sometimes I just sit down for a few minutes and watch the world. It is amazing how fast things move.
Just a year ago I was starting my first semester of graduate school and I was worried about everything. Graduate school teaches you soooooo much. But most of what it teaches is outside of the classroom outside of the lab. With me, it has taught me just so many things. Things that everyone in my life pointed out about my personality, good and bad. For the first time there is a force that is not allowing me to ignore these qualities of the way I am and the way things are.
There is no little rock to hide under and lie to others or myself...
What do I mean with all this babbling?

Well for the first time, as I've said before, I have friends. Now that I have friends and don't want to loose them. Sometimes I force myself to stop talking about my self centered self and to allow them to talk. I force myself to try to see things the way they do to take their perspective of things so that I can better advice them for what would make them happy. These skills have taken soooooo long to develop, they are still in process actually. I have realized that in order to be friends we don't have to have the same opinions. Then there is the patience. And allowing them to make their own mistakes and realize them. There have been a few times I've had to stick my foot right in my mouth so I've learned to reduce the judgments....

At the same time there have been some professional lessons. I can do presentations but need to work on them more. I can write a grant. I can pass a hard class with a B and I can do it all on my own.

Slowly but surely I am realizing the amount of strength I have.

So finally I am almost done with my 3rd rotation. Here I am at UCSF. A well recognized Medical and Graduate School indeed. I never planned on going to UCSF. I feel like a pebble in the middle of the Niagara falls. I never wanted to be in a huge prestigious school and all of the sudden that is exactly where I am. You see I was going to do all 3 rotations in Berkeley (not that Berkeley is a peasant's school or anything but I find UCSF harder). But then I found that none of the 2 rotations I had completed quite worked and no one else at Berkeley was even near working on AIDS. At some point someone pointed out to me that I did have the opportunity to try out labs in UCSF. And again, like I said, here I am.

I met with my PI on Wens at 5:10 PM.
He asked, "what did you want to meet and discuss?"
I blurted out, "My staying here"
Oh so you want to stay in the lab?
"Yes, I do."
"What attracted you about our lab?
"You are the most challenging. I feel that in the other labs I would have learned all the techniques known there within months, here I feel I'll spend years and still be challenged"
"Well you certainly don't want to stop learning that is very important. Not learning is like being dead."
I smiled.
"Claudia (the postdoc I work with), has told me that you have some troubles with accuracy?"
The world fell apart in my body.
"Do you feel that you have the best of hands?"
"To be honest sir, no I don't think I have perfect hands it is something I have been working on and will continue to."
"So this has been a struggle?"
"It has been something I have noticed before."
"What is the problem? Do you not concentrate?"
"I don't know. I mean if I would have known I guess I would have fixed it already."
Pause. Me trying to figure out what it is that doesn't let me be a perfect scientist....

"I think it is that I always want to do a million things at the same time and then nothing works out quite the way I need it to."
"I see. Well that is certainly something we can fix."
"Well Isa, I have to say that I have to meet with Claudia again but my preliminary answer is 'Yes' ".
"What?"
"Yes."
"I think that you are a very bright, enthusiastic, energetic girl. People in the lab like you."
"Thank You"

In the mean time I felt like I had been released from the ball and chain of my last boss's words (my boss from New York)...It went something the likes of: Isa, you are completely untalented, you have a horrible attitude, you have no business in the scientific field, I don't know what talents you have... I wish you well.....
Released...Finally....

Someone successful told me I was BRIGHT! LIKABLE! I breathe for 4 minutes the freshest most delicious air in the world. And then the responsibilities, the reality hit me.....