Exercise, Partying, Grumpiness, and Insecurities....

Well,
there "is" finally, some good news. I have maintained my exercises despite my crazy scheduel and now I've even started swimming/doing laps. Yesterday was my first day swimming, eventhough I swear the whole pool went through my nose it felt like some real exercise. Maria told me the width of the pool is about 35 yards... I did like 10-15 laps. My arms are killing me. I love it when I am sore from exercize.
For some strange reason I was extremely grumpy yesterday, despite everything being okay. Rick and Ed tried to stay away from me. My rage was scaring even me. I tried to calm down but it was like a volcanoe. Thats the way I was in lab all day. Looking for an apartment in Berkeley, I guess, just doesn't help my mood swings.
I got a 75% on my infectious disease exam, the average was 83. I feel so embarrased writing this to you guys. I never thought exam averages would be important to me. I mean they have always been there in my life and for some reason I never gave a shit about what other people got on exams. But now.....I am in grad school.....And unfortunately grad school is all about "other people". In the mean time I went to Dr. Beatty to see last semester's test in Immunology. I got a 75% on that one too, go figure. But thats a good 75% cause I doubt the average was above that. And because when I took that test I was sooooo stressed out and i had only slept 3 hours. Even Dr. Beatty put a disgusted face when I told him I had only slept 3 hours before the test.

Carlos and I went to Maria's anti-valentines day party on Saturday. I was so relaxed that day. I didn't go to the lab, didn't study, didn't do anything. Well if anyone reading this knows me then you know that there is no such thing as Isa not doing anything. SO yeah we went to look at apartments, we ran around looking for places to eat.....I stressed about not going to lab, then I felt guilty about not going to lab, then I felt guilty I wasn't studying....
Yeah, thats relaxing for me.
So I went to Maria's party. We sat around, ate her delicious food. I totally had a blast with "Pharoah" (Maria's Chihuahua mixed breed dog). It was awesome seeing him again, reminded me of why I NEED a dog (and made me question why I am waiting to get one). We talked with Sara and her boyfriend. It has been hard getting to know Sara because I only see her at 5 min intervals. But in this dinner I realized she is awesome. And her boyfriend is preaty nice too.
Then I got drunk for 1 hour from some real hard liquour Maria had. I am not even going to mention what it was. But I need that for after Finals and after my presentation for lab. We stayed until around 12 midnight and then went home.
It is funny how even when we are drunk out of our asses we still talk about "the qual" our insecurities with getting accepted, our research projects, and rotations. Even then the big phantom in our lives does not go away. I guess this means that even if I were doing some hard drugs it would still be there. No matter what I do I will not be able to forget this, not even for 5 minutes.
Sara has to do her qual this semester. She is already looking for a job. It is funny and yet so sad at the same time. I pray that she passes because she is one of the few normal people I've seen on campus. I don't want her to go away. She still feels completely insecure about being accepted to the program. That shows me that I am never going to feel confident about that, at least not before the qual. And even after who knows...

Oh well guys. I am sorry I am trying to make my posts as positive as possible but there is a dark cloud above me. Maybe when we move to another apartment, or when I go to the RAT party with Carlos, or when we have all of our furniture.. Or when the semester ends...Or when I rotate in UCSF...OH GOD I FORGOT I HAVE TO START STUDYING FOR THAT!!!!!!!!! jESUS FCKIN CHRIST!!!!!!!!!
oops sorry. I got to go. I should get some work done.

Nothing is working.

Today,
It was the first test of the semester. I've been studying for the whole week for this test. In the meantime, I've been trying to get things done at the lab. Nothing is working....Nothing.
I am cursed.
The rain cloud found me. It took it a while cause I moved from new york to LA and then I had interviews and then I moved to Berkeley and then I went to Miami for Christmas. Now. It found me.
That little rain cloud that just doesn't let me get any results in lab. It makes it so I will only get bad results that no one can explain. Ed says not to think about it like that.
Oh well. I guess if it keeps happenoing. I mean if it happends in every rotation, I'll just quit. Cause I sure as hell do NOT want to spend the next 6 years like this.
Nothing is working.
I am soooo sorry guys. It is just 8 pm, I have to do Statistics all by myself because for some reason no one wanted to meet to work on homework today, I just finished a test from hell, and my westerns along with my HFF cells took a trip to Disney Land and just never came back....
Whatever....
I'm just glad the test is over. Now I can get everything done this weekend. Or at least start.

Anyways.... See you all later. I am feeling as exhausted as I was last semester.

My Cells

These are retinal pigment epithelial cells
stained with Dapi for the nucleus. It is no
big deal cause dapi would stain the nucleus
of any cell but I just think the colors are
"Fabulous".. So yeah. These are the cells
I deal with in lab. At first they were so hard
to grow but now they are growing so fast and
nice. I have to do many experiments on these
cause Cytomegalovirus, a herpes virus, the virus
I am currently work with, infects these cells and
when you are HIV+ it causes havoc....It gets you
blind. Retinitis....

Just one of those weeks...

Today I realized I ordered the wrong primers, my IFA looked like crap, I didn't add antibiotics to my Broth, many of my cells are getting contaminated for no reason. That was $40 per primer. That was 4 days of work on the IFA. And for the broth, I had the perfect amount of bacteria... :(
SOOOOOO many things went wrong today.
Rick was nice about it. He told me not to let it bother me. Sometimes you just can't do anything in the lab.
The one thing that worries me the most is that I've got no reason to be burnt out. There is just sooo much I need to do. I need to study for Infectious Diseases, I need to work on my paper for Virology. I need to read for lab, cause I have officially forgotten why am I do anything and my lab presentation is coming up REALLY SOON!

I met with my professor today. He asked me on the progress of the project. Then he told me I should start my HIV project on 3-12-07. Thats 1 week before my presentation. What in the world am I going to do? He doesn't know either. Infect some cells I guess. I should be exciliratingly happy but he has already basically ruined it for me. I dont trust him. I asked him about getting some vaginal mucosal cells, since the virus in the blood doesn't represent the vaginal mucosa at all! He said to give him a chance to put everythiing in order and then we would see. Makes sense, if I am not going to stay here we wouldn't want to oder expensive cell lines...
It is friday. I wish i could take a day off so that I can calm down about all this, study for ID and start all over again.
That reminds me of that song: I pick myself up, Rub it myself off, and start all over again....
Thats what I need to do.
I yelled at Ed today... He asked me what had happend with the PCR. I kept telling him not to ask about the details. He kept asking so my voice went very intense.
I apologized 5 minutes later, when I realized why everyone had been staring at me. I felt so bad. He said he didn't feel bad at all cause he already knows me. He already knows when I am pist off at him or at the PCR and he was sure all along I was pissed off at the PCR.
They are sooooo sweet to me in this lab.
I am going to miss them.

More HIV

HIV budding in and Out of my Life

Not everything that shines is a Diamond....

I was so enthustiastic about coming to UC Berkeley for such a long time. I even thought for quite a while that I didn't deserve such good luck that I wasn't good enough....Now the professors are showing their true colors.
The professor that I am rotating with now, had promised me that I would be working with HIV and HCMV...Now he is dancing around the bush. He doesn't really want me to work with HIV. I feel like I've been duped. I feel like a fool. It hurts so badly because I've fallen in love with the people in the lab, but more than that I was in LOVE with my project on co-infection.
I should have figured that the rain cloud would be approaching soon.
I know that it is hard for people that are not in the sciences to understand but I mourned my project. I feel so bad. This whole week so far, I've had spontaneous fits of crying. Two mornings ago I almost started crying in the lab. Yesterday I started crying when we were doing our homework. It is just a bad week, I keep telling myself and Maria.
I do have a second plan. I am going to contact some professors at UCSF to see if I can rotate through their lab. Hopefully the labs will await me with open arms. Hopefully the professors don't lie to me, hopefully they are not psychotic!
I am excited, there is a professor working on HIV and NKT cells. It sounds like the perfect project for me. I dont even know where UCSF is.
I feel abandoned, isolated...

The exhaustion of work and and working-out

Hi You All,

I am so tired it depresses me. It is like 8 pm here and I am just exhausted. I woke up at 6 am and went to the gym all by myself. I worked out. It was a pathetic work out, only 30 minutes, 2 miles, 260 calories off. But my legs hurt. They don't hurt like they are sore, they just hurt.
I miss the gym at Albert Einstein. It may not have had all the treadmills in the world but it was perfect for me. I can't believe the gym was packed at 6 am! It was sooo annoying, I think I sweated more from being annoyed than from working out. There are just way too many people in Berkeley.
My day is not even half over. I have to type up my Stat homework. I have to figure out at what time I am going to harvest the proteins, so that I can stop them without missing class.
Oh and I have to see if I've got 30 minutes somewhere in the day to exercise. I was planning to do laundry and go buy some food at the supermarket but I got out of the lab at 7 pm cause the RPE cells refused to be counted.
I found some cool papers for my virology paper but 1/2 of them are not supported by the Berkeley library system. Maybe I can convince a friend to send me the PDF, from another school.
Sorry I am not much fun. Want some good news? I think I found a dress for the Disney party and my Rachel's wedding. THe bad news is that now I have to drop 5 pounds before those parties, so that I can be worthy of wearing the dress.
Anyways.... luv you all. I hope you guys are not as tired as I am cause I am about to go into a comma.

chocolate and wine

Why did they do a catscan?
Because it didn't meoooowww!

Why did they have to invent the hotdog?
Because its nose was cold

Yes I am officially drunk...we went to Tantra on Sunset Blvd, and ate some good Indian food with merlot....

I love chocolate and wine...i love being tipsy...
Sorry I need to go, Carlos has his pants down...

hahahaha

My Last Free Weekend...

Since Carlos is moving up to Berkeley with me, I have to go down to LA and pick up my stuff before it gets displaced and I can't find it ever again....
So I am flying down to LA tonight and I'll be there til Sunday night.
THis is the last free weekend I'll have for a very long time. What do I mean by free? Well usually I actually work 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday... I kept it down to 8 hours because Carlos would fly up and I didn't want him to feel abandoned. So now when I come back I can't take anymore free weekends at all. And since Carlos will see me sometime in the weekday (probrably around 8 pm) I will able to extend my weekend work scheduel. I have so much work to do and it all has to be done in like 3 weeks (before my presentation)....

So I am taking time this weekend to catch up on class. I have to read about 60 pages of the Reader for Stats, at least 1 chapter from the Stats textbook, and I have to read every single paper on my lab work cause I have officially forgotten everything! I was planning on studying for Infectious Disease but I don't know if I'll have time. And I am going to start gathering the papers for my proposal/review for Virology class.

GOD, school is like my cocaine right now!

Oh you guys are gonna be sooooooo super proud of me! I signed up for the gym. So I am going to start working out on Monday! YEY!
Anyways, Maria said she wanted me to be her swimming buddy. So thats another type of exercise I am also gonna start doing. I wish I could shave my hair so that I could do all of these exercises without worry about the sweat on my hair or the chlorine in the pool. when is bald gonna be the new hot thing to be? It only gets in the way anyway.

I called my undergrad friend Nerina today and she told me that she is pregnant! YOU GO GIRL! This girl is always on target. She knows how to cook and bake anything on Earth, she got married to an awesome guy, she became a Lawyer, and now she is pregnant! I call her Mrs. Betty Crocker. Congratulations Nerina! I am very happy for you. It is like the perfect pattern, exactly what I want to be you know? Have my career, a good husband, and have the baby at the right time, after school and after I've started working.... Her kid is gonna be atleast 5 years older than mine.

Hello Berkeley and black boxes

Today, I finished my first official Western Blot. I did have to ask Rick for help several times, and being the psycho that I am, I hate the fact that I needed help. I am in LOVE with this lab. It scares me how much I like it. Cause remember on Post #1 what I was saying? I am not used to hapiness, I am not used to friends, I am not used to loving someone and being loved. I am not used to actually wanting to go to work.

I woke up today at 5:45 am. I got to work at 7:30 am. But in between those hours, when I was eating breakfast at home, I thought "I got to get to work," when I was walking, "It will be soooo awesome if the Western Blot works," and then I got to work. I got to the lab. And there was not one soul in the whole 3rd floor of the building! And that was like the highlight of the dawn. Then I punched my code into the door without having to look at the post it where it was written and I smiled. Then I walked in, the lights were off, I put my bookbag down, I walked out to the cold room, got my western blot, came back and put the blocking buffer in the western blots black box...And I just melted inside with hapiness. I felt like the lab was all mine. I could do anything I wanted with it. And there was just NO one there to help me.
Rick came in around 10 or 9, I don't know, don't care the great thing is that I didn't need him. Don't get me wrong Rick is awesome, but independence is soooooooo f-ckin delicious.

God please let things continue just as smoothly as they've been til now.
I have to present in lab meeting. I am scared. But for the first time eversince they told me that I had to present, I am also excited. I have to write up a propolsal, on my project, and I am excited.

I need to start working out. I am 20 pounds heavier than what I want to be. I feel fat, I feel the fat flopping over (eeeeuuuu) eachother, and I hate it. Thats not exciting. Not exciting at all. Yeah I am starting to loose that feeling that everyone in the world in every room wants to f-ck me. Yeah...I've lost that loving feeling. And I WANT IT BACK! Yeah i know i am self centered and absorved. Who the hell isn't the point of this paragraph is that I miss feeling like everyone in the room, well atleast the male popultaion, the female population has always hated me and always will.
Oh talking about females that hate me, the John Hopkins Bitch told me to shut up today. I had to stop my self from punching her little white nose off. She has these blue eyes....They are just so cold....They look like hawk eyes, you know very focused, no mercy, looking for her kill. Thats all she does. I hope she catches scabies. OH sorry. I let myself go there.
Anyways guys, I love you. I miss you....Hey how about some comments?!!!!!!!!!!
Is anyone out there anyway?