Exercise, Partying, Grumpiness, and Insecurities....

Well,
there "is" finally, some good news. I have maintained my exercises despite my crazy scheduel and now I've even started swimming/doing laps. Yesterday was my first day swimming, eventhough I swear the whole pool went through my nose it felt like some real exercise. Maria told me the width of the pool is about 35 yards... I did like 10-15 laps. My arms are killing me. I love it when I am sore from exercize.
For some strange reason I was extremely grumpy yesterday, despite everything being okay. Rick and Ed tried to stay away from me. My rage was scaring even me. I tried to calm down but it was like a volcanoe. Thats the way I was in lab all day. Looking for an apartment in Berkeley, I guess, just doesn't help my mood swings.
I got a 75% on my infectious disease exam, the average was 83. I feel so embarrased writing this to you guys. I never thought exam averages would be important to me. I mean they have always been there in my life and for some reason I never gave a shit about what other people got on exams. But now.....I am in grad school.....And unfortunately grad school is all about "other people". In the mean time I went to Dr. Beatty to see last semester's test in Immunology. I got a 75% on that one too, go figure. But thats a good 75% cause I doubt the average was above that. And because when I took that test I was sooooo stressed out and i had only slept 3 hours. Even Dr. Beatty put a disgusted face when I told him I had only slept 3 hours before the test.

Carlos and I went to Maria's anti-valentines day party on Saturday. I was so relaxed that day. I didn't go to the lab, didn't study, didn't do anything. Well if anyone reading this knows me then you know that there is no such thing as Isa not doing anything. SO yeah we went to look at apartments, we ran around looking for places to eat.....I stressed about not going to lab, then I felt guilty about not going to lab, then I felt guilty I wasn't studying....
Yeah, thats relaxing for me.
So I went to Maria's party. We sat around, ate her delicious food. I totally had a blast with "Pharoah" (Maria's Chihuahua mixed breed dog). It was awesome seeing him again, reminded me of why I NEED a dog (and made me question why I am waiting to get one). We talked with Sara and her boyfriend. It has been hard getting to know Sara because I only see her at 5 min intervals. But in this dinner I realized she is awesome. And her boyfriend is preaty nice too.
Then I got drunk for 1 hour from some real hard liquour Maria had. I am not even going to mention what it was. But I need that for after Finals and after my presentation for lab. We stayed until around 12 midnight and then went home.
It is funny how even when we are drunk out of our asses we still talk about "the qual" our insecurities with getting accepted, our research projects, and rotations. Even then the big phantom in our lives does not go away. I guess this means that even if I were doing some hard drugs it would still be there. No matter what I do I will not be able to forget this, not even for 5 minutes.
Sara has to do her qual this semester. She is already looking for a job. It is funny and yet so sad at the same time. I pray that she passes because she is one of the few normal people I've seen on campus. I don't want her to go away. She still feels completely insecure about being accepted to the program. That shows me that I am never going to feel confident about that, at least not before the qual. And even after who knows...

Oh well guys. I am sorry I am trying to make my posts as positive as possible but there is a dark cloud above me. Maybe when we move to another apartment, or when I go to the RAT party with Carlos, or when we have all of our furniture.. Or when the semester ends...Or when I rotate in UCSF...OH GOD I FORGOT I HAVE TO START STUDYING FOR THAT!!!!!!!!! jESUS FCKIN CHRIST!!!!!!!!!
oops sorry. I got to go. I should get some work done.