Over it...

So I am not mad anymore. I don't care, I already set up another experiment and I expect this one will work best. BUT I just spent 3 weeks setting up this big experiment. I needed this experiment to tell me something, anything as long as it was SOMETHING. But in the end all of my cells died. Somewhere between day5 and day 10 the cells were dead.... And so the experiment didn't say anything.
I needed that experiment to work because pretty soon I have a department meeting/presentation. I need to show something that my lab hasn't seen. Something new something cool but simple. I got so upset on Monday that I took the day off yesterday. It wasn't so much the complaining whining and almost crying out of frustration, but that splitting headache that lets me know, if you don't stop if you don't relax you are going to end up in the emergency room. I went home, I stared at the TV like the zombie I can be and then the next day I woke up not wanting go to work. I mean I woke up and almost started crying again. So I didn't cry. I made breakfast and in the middle of breakfast I told Carlos that I wasn't going to go to work. Just like that I decided it. Thank God. It fitted perfectly cause there wasn't anything I had to get done that exact day.
It was a good day. The weather was breezy but not too cold. I stayed home reading a book til 1pm and then went to Anthropologie with Coffee. After Anthropologie, I took Coffee for a 1 hour walk on the bay and then came back home. We both fell asleep on the couch for a few hours as the day got colder and colder. I had planned to meet Carlos for dinner in San Fran but by the time I got enough energy to get up and call him it was already 7pm. So we ended up going to a restaurant on this side of the bay.
Nothing about science is easy. It is not easy to deal with scientists, to get ideas for projects or experiments, to get the experiment done perfectly 3 times with the same exact result, and it is not easy dealing with the stress this alone can cause.

In Love with Carmel....The dog friendliest place in the world.

Hey!
Here is a positive Post for once!

So this weekend I kidnapped Coffee (my dog) and Carlos (my husband) and drove towards Big Sur. I had never been to Big Sur or to Carmel. I had not really heard of Carmel so I just expected it to be one of these suburb little towns with hardly anyone in sight. But we drove and stayed at this little dog friendly hotel called the Carmel Fireplace Inn Bed & Breakfast at 4th @ San Carlos St Carmel, CA....
I truly wasn't expecting much out of the town or the hotel but when we got there I was really happy. The room was spacious, it did after all had a real fireplace, and the bathroom was well separated from the bedroom area.... At first Coffee was confused of why we were staying in this place, and he sniffed every inch of it. I was so impressed that he had absolutely NO problems with going to the bathroom so we can finally say that he is truly completely house trained!!!!! YAY!
After arriving at the hotel we walked around town with Coffee. As usual he was a sensation. Everyone wanted to know his name, what type of dog he was, and if they could pet him.

What I was completely surprised about was the level of dog friendliness in this town! WOW! Everyone had a dog of some kind. There was a dog somewhere in almost every little store. And then the best dog store I've ever seen yet, "Diggidy Dog". This one only compares to the dog store in the 4th street mall in Berkeley. Diggidy Dog is bigger though, has a lot more sweaters, shirts, bowls etc... etc... Almost all the restaurants were dog friendly. We heard from another couple yorkie owner that there is even a restaurant that allows the dog to eat with you. The dog eats their own food while you eat yours. We didn't get to go but we went to another two and Coffee sat right by us wondering why we were not paying attention to him (still needs a little training in this area). Coffee met his first female yorkie. Her name was Piper and she was half Coffee's age even though she was 1 years old (Coffee is 17 weeks). She was very cute but she scared Coffee away because she ran to him and jumped him. She was really happy to see him. Coffee is not into aggressive chics so...He walked away wondering what psycho was that....

The town was sooooo well planned. I mean if I had to use three words to describe the town I would say "sub/urban walking"!!!
Basically everything you see there is first floor= little restaurant/boutique/antique store, 2nd floor or back= little hotel/bed and breakfast/lodge. There were a bunch of galleries, cafe, bookstores, furniture stores etc etc. There were also Victorian yet refurbished houses so they all looked at least cute. Everything was clean, no garbage, no broken streets... The beach was 5-10 blocks away. It was like one of those beach towns in LA but a little more formal looking.

On Sunday we drove to Big Sur. I wanted to hike a little and see a waterfall or two. Unfortunately a lot of parks were closed and the only park we found open didn't accept dogs in it. But we took pictures of the beaches, and mountains, and cliffs towering over the deep blue copper ocean either way. I guess I can find my favorite blue in the ocean here too after all. It was also fun to imagine if only for a few seconds, what it would be like to live in one of those huge mansions on top of the cliffs that towered the beaches and ocean.....

On the way back we hit traffic....A trip that should have taken maximum 3 hours took us about 5-6 hours. We played alphabet. Coffee was happy to be home where everything smells the way he left it, trust me he checked.

Changing my life

Hi kitties.

Lately I've been questioning everything. Well isn't that me always? Hahah!
Anyways I guess the thing that has been going on now is that I feel so trapped in this routine.
All I wanna to do is get the hell out of California. Get the hell out of this career. And never ever look back.

I am very passionate about my work but I am exhausted and lately....Everything I used to like about it is just not enough. Lets face it. It is not like I am talented enough to discover anything important. It is not like I am going to change the field. So why oh why oh WHY waste all this energy? Career change anyone? I wanna change my life. So ironic how easily movies and religions have made this sound....changing your life.
So tired of being here with out any friends, anyone I can trust, no family....so so so tired. So tired of all the stupid confrontations, back stabbings, friendship breakups, project stealing, isolation, work without reward...should I go on?

In this blog posting the problem is not lab, it is not my boss, it is everything. I think that if I were a vampire I would bury myself 13 feet under, go to sleep, and not come out for the next 100 years.

Too vulgar for me....

Oh...
There is so much going on in my lab it is not even funny. I'm trying to stay out of a lot of trouble. I think people are shocked at how quiet and focused I have been lately. I come in, I put on my headphones, I go to lunch with Brian and then I come back and finish everything.
Still....There are people trying to get me into fights/trouble/conflicts what ever you wanna call it.

Garry, the post doc that I have been working with for a year started talking behind my back.
Asking, precisely, Brian if he thought I was too vulgar. Brian, of course, told me so, and so I confronted Garry. I asked him what was his problem? Where was this coming from cause it is not like I got even more vulgar in the last three months than what I have been especially because (see above) I haven't been talking to anyone for 1 month. He tells me that it is not that I am a vulgar person. This I do not comprehend because if you are calling a person vulgar then you are saying they are a vulgar person. As far as I know there are no in betweens, no mildly vulgar or anything like that. So he went on to explain that I had said something that offended him and that he didn't like.... etc.

He is right. I am vulgar. I curse. I tell people things as crudely as possible so that I don't have any misunderstandings etc. Let me repeat myself. I know that I am vulgar.

What bothers me about all of this is that I don't try to change co-workers from what they are. For instance I don't go around asking people if they think Garry is a hypocritical asshole. I talk about Garry yes. I complain about all the back stabbings his accomplished on me but I don't go around questioning how he is. In fact I often think, oh well, that is how Garry is... What can you do? And I enjoy all the stupid crap that comes out of his mouth all the time. If I have to take how Garry's personality is and how everyone else personalities are in the lab why the hell can't they take me?

Doesn't matter really. This experience has shown me another light of Garry. Even after he apologized to me he still went back and talked some more about me to Brian. Amazing. Even after the apology. How stupid can you be? And how full of crap? Whats funny is that it is not the curse words that offend these people is the fact that I say things as they are. No anesthesia...

So tired of getting my personality questioned. Is there anything that this people are going to leave in tact? So exhausted.