Back to the Ramblings...

Ok..So you might think that I over reacted. That is absolutely possible.
But the truth is that I didn't quit graduate school. Something really bad and huge happend in my lab. My boss has been going through hell and I guess he decided that it was time to check and see who or what it was time to get rid of and who was not.

I seriously don't know what possessed me when my co-workers told me that he was thinking of pressuring me to quit graduate school but I met up with him and we talked. We met up again and we talked some more. With the help of a grad student and and a post doc I got my project rolling. If it weren't for the fact that I get so little tissue, I would truly be half way done with this project. Seriously I don't know what came over me, what happend inside or outside of me but everything, all of my experiments started working and making sense. So I think thats one good thing that came out of this whole situation. I cried my eyes out for quite a while and decided that instead of quitting graduate school I would stick it out, get my degree, and then after graduating, decide what is it that I REALLY truly wanted to do with my life whether that be science or art, or fashion or architecture.

Sigh....

So much to think about. The few things I am sure about now is that, I want to wear my wedding dress next year to a real good party, I want to be pregnant immediately after that party, I want a house or a home to call mine, and I want to revive the artist/writer in me. God do I miss art. I feel like I've been lost in a black hole where art could not survive and I've tried to get myself out but the force is so crazy, and at the same time, slowly but surely this all has destroyed me. Can I be a good scientist? I think the last 5 months have certainly slapped everyone who thought naught into their senses. Has graduate school stolen every creative idea I ever had about science? No, but it is certainly near that point.

I've always thought about life like a straight hallway with many doors along the way to choose from. Up to now I feel, I've only entered 2 doors that have taken me away from the main path. Now I want to basically graduate as soon as possible and give myself the chance of picking whatever door I see desirable.

It has happened.

Well it has happened. I am truly thinking of quitting science. There have been lots of tears of frustration, sadness, feelings of failure, but I think this is for real now. I don't have to tell you guys how hard it has been for me to make this decision but I think that the decision is pretty much settled.

What am I going to do with my life now you ask? Well, the truth is that I am not sure, but at the same time there is a little tiny part of myself thats actually excited about leaving and also about living my life.

Three years ago I didn't think that anything at all could stop me from completing a Ph.D. Now..... Well.... Lots of things have occurred. My mom never thought I should be in this career. There was always a part of me that doubted myself. I can't fight that doubt anymore. And I just can't be swimming against the current. I am exhausted and I want to live my life, not work my life away for absolutely nothing in return.

What am I taking with me? What did I get out of this? Well I have a Masters degree. I am not sure what else I got out of it. I think I am a much better presenter. But that question will be answered later on. One of the biggest fears I have is the possibility of becoming one of these women that just sit at home. But we all know I can't sit at home for long right? Maybe a week and then I'll definitely get out and do something. Oh well. Sigh. It is sad but it has happened. I am leaving. I give up. I am quitting. I bet some people are disappointed. I bet some others will be celebrating. But it doesn't matter, I am excited about finding a career in which I don't get tossed around like a rag doll and people accept me as I am.

See ya'll laters.

Trying to appreciate San Fran

So!
I have been trying to get to know San Francisco more intimately since everyone keeps informing me that it is a nice city. This weekend we went to Golden Gate Park with Coffee. We didn't walk too much we only walked from Stanyan St. to the wide open field across from the children's park.
We sat there in the sun, listening to the drums beat. It reminded me of one of our first dates in NY, in central park. We sat there for a couple of hours listening to the music, baking with the sun (in a positive way) and playing with Coffee. He enjoyed the park too except when a big (unknown breed) dog ran up to us and was trying to jump us. He looked like he wanted to eat Coffee. We got so scared that Carlos grabbed Coffee from the grass and we both got up. The dog jumped on Carlos as if trying to grab Coffee away from Carlos. Coffee actually growled and barked at the dog. A few minutes later the owner came running after the dog apologizing.....

But other than that it was very fun, Coffee learned how to shake hands. I ran with him, from him, after him. He fetched the ball. And then towards the end I guess he was so hot from running that he would sit on the shade for a while and then run back to us.

After Golden Gate, I went to work only to find out that all of my PBL's were dead. :( Not fun. But I learned something from the experience. And I drove home to find both Carlos and Coffee dead asleep on the couch. We were all ultra tired for some inexplicable reason.

Although Golden Gate Park is on the completely opposite side of the world of where I live and work I think we'll go back soon.

This morning was my first morning running with Coffee. We ran around 3 long blocks. I really broke out a sweat! It was not much of a run but something is better than anything.

Over it...

So I am not mad anymore. I don't care, I already set up another experiment and I expect this one will work best. BUT I just spent 3 weeks setting up this big experiment. I needed this experiment to tell me something, anything as long as it was SOMETHING. But in the end all of my cells died. Somewhere between day5 and day 10 the cells were dead.... And so the experiment didn't say anything.
I needed that experiment to work because pretty soon I have a department meeting/presentation. I need to show something that my lab hasn't seen. Something new something cool but simple. I got so upset on Monday that I took the day off yesterday. It wasn't so much the complaining whining and almost crying out of frustration, but that splitting headache that lets me know, if you don't stop if you don't relax you are going to end up in the emergency room. I went home, I stared at the TV like the zombie I can be and then the next day I woke up not wanting go to work. I mean I woke up and almost started crying again. So I didn't cry. I made breakfast and in the middle of breakfast I told Carlos that I wasn't going to go to work. Just like that I decided it. Thank God. It fitted perfectly cause there wasn't anything I had to get done that exact day.
It was a good day. The weather was breezy but not too cold. I stayed home reading a book til 1pm and then went to Anthropologie with Coffee. After Anthropologie, I took Coffee for a 1 hour walk on the bay and then came back home. We both fell asleep on the couch for a few hours as the day got colder and colder. I had planned to meet Carlos for dinner in San Fran but by the time I got enough energy to get up and call him it was already 7pm. So we ended up going to a restaurant on this side of the bay.
Nothing about science is easy. It is not easy to deal with scientists, to get ideas for projects or experiments, to get the experiment done perfectly 3 times with the same exact result, and it is not easy dealing with the stress this alone can cause.

In Love with Carmel....The dog friendliest place in the world.

Hey!
Here is a positive Post for once!

So this weekend I kidnapped Coffee (my dog) and Carlos (my husband) and drove towards Big Sur. I had never been to Big Sur or to Carmel. I had not really heard of Carmel so I just expected it to be one of these suburb little towns with hardly anyone in sight. But we drove and stayed at this little dog friendly hotel called the Carmel Fireplace Inn Bed & Breakfast at 4th @ San Carlos St Carmel, CA....
I truly wasn't expecting much out of the town or the hotel but when we got there I was really happy. The room was spacious, it did after all had a real fireplace, and the bathroom was well separated from the bedroom area.... At first Coffee was confused of why we were staying in this place, and he sniffed every inch of it. I was so impressed that he had absolutely NO problems with going to the bathroom so we can finally say that he is truly completely house trained!!!!! YAY!
After arriving at the hotel we walked around town with Coffee. As usual he was a sensation. Everyone wanted to know his name, what type of dog he was, and if they could pet him.

What I was completely surprised about was the level of dog friendliness in this town! WOW! Everyone had a dog of some kind. There was a dog somewhere in almost every little store. And then the best dog store I've ever seen yet, "Diggidy Dog". This one only compares to the dog store in the 4th street mall in Berkeley. Diggidy Dog is bigger though, has a lot more sweaters, shirts, bowls etc... etc... Almost all the restaurants were dog friendly. We heard from another couple yorkie owner that there is even a restaurant that allows the dog to eat with you. The dog eats their own food while you eat yours. We didn't get to go but we went to another two and Coffee sat right by us wondering why we were not paying attention to him (still needs a little training in this area). Coffee met his first female yorkie. Her name was Piper and she was half Coffee's age even though she was 1 years old (Coffee is 17 weeks). She was very cute but she scared Coffee away because she ran to him and jumped him. She was really happy to see him. Coffee is not into aggressive chics so...He walked away wondering what psycho was that....

The town was sooooo well planned. I mean if I had to use three words to describe the town I would say "sub/urban walking"!!!
Basically everything you see there is first floor= little restaurant/boutique/antique store, 2nd floor or back= little hotel/bed and breakfast/lodge. There were a bunch of galleries, cafe, bookstores, furniture stores etc etc. There were also Victorian yet refurbished houses so they all looked at least cute. Everything was clean, no garbage, no broken streets... The beach was 5-10 blocks away. It was like one of those beach towns in LA but a little more formal looking.

On Sunday we drove to Big Sur. I wanted to hike a little and see a waterfall or two. Unfortunately a lot of parks were closed and the only park we found open didn't accept dogs in it. But we took pictures of the beaches, and mountains, and cliffs towering over the deep blue copper ocean either way. I guess I can find my favorite blue in the ocean here too after all. It was also fun to imagine if only for a few seconds, what it would be like to live in one of those huge mansions on top of the cliffs that towered the beaches and ocean.....

On the way back we hit traffic....A trip that should have taken maximum 3 hours took us about 5-6 hours. We played alphabet. Coffee was happy to be home where everything smells the way he left it, trust me he checked.

Changing my life

Hi kitties.

Lately I've been questioning everything. Well isn't that me always? Hahah!
Anyways I guess the thing that has been going on now is that I feel so trapped in this routine.
All I wanna to do is get the hell out of California. Get the hell out of this career. And never ever look back.

I am very passionate about my work but I am exhausted and lately....Everything I used to like about it is just not enough. Lets face it. It is not like I am talented enough to discover anything important. It is not like I am going to change the field. So why oh why oh WHY waste all this energy? Career change anyone? I wanna change my life. So ironic how easily movies and religions have made this sound....changing your life.
So tired of being here with out any friends, anyone I can trust, no family....so so so tired. So tired of all the stupid confrontations, back stabbings, friendship breakups, project stealing, isolation, work without reward...should I go on?

In this blog posting the problem is not lab, it is not my boss, it is everything. I think that if I were a vampire I would bury myself 13 feet under, go to sleep, and not come out for the next 100 years.

Too vulgar for me....

Oh...
There is so much going on in my lab it is not even funny. I'm trying to stay out of a lot of trouble. I think people are shocked at how quiet and focused I have been lately. I come in, I put on my headphones, I go to lunch with Brian and then I come back and finish everything.
Still....There are people trying to get me into fights/trouble/conflicts what ever you wanna call it.

Garry, the post doc that I have been working with for a year started talking behind my back.
Asking, precisely, Brian if he thought I was too vulgar. Brian, of course, told me so, and so I confronted Garry. I asked him what was his problem? Where was this coming from cause it is not like I got even more vulgar in the last three months than what I have been especially because (see above) I haven't been talking to anyone for 1 month. He tells me that it is not that I am a vulgar person. This I do not comprehend because if you are calling a person vulgar then you are saying they are a vulgar person. As far as I know there are no in betweens, no mildly vulgar or anything like that. So he went on to explain that I had said something that offended him and that he didn't like.... etc.

He is right. I am vulgar. I curse. I tell people things as crudely as possible so that I don't have any misunderstandings etc. Let me repeat myself. I know that I am vulgar.

What bothers me about all of this is that I don't try to change co-workers from what they are. For instance I don't go around asking people if they think Garry is a hypocritical asshole. I talk about Garry yes. I complain about all the back stabbings his accomplished on me but I don't go around questioning how he is. In fact I often think, oh well, that is how Garry is... What can you do? And I enjoy all the stupid crap that comes out of his mouth all the time. If I have to take how Garry's personality is and how everyone else personalities are in the lab why the hell can't they take me?

Doesn't matter really. This experience has shown me another light of Garry. Even after he apologized to me he still went back and talked some more about me to Brian. Amazing. Even after the apology. How stupid can you be? And how full of crap? Whats funny is that it is not the curse words that offend these people is the fact that I say things as they are. No anesthesia...

So tired of getting my personality questioned. Is there anything that this people are going to leave in tact? So exhausted.

Moms visit and my new work schedule

Ok
This week is much much better, so far. Since my mom was for the first time visiting me here in SF I was only going to lab really early in the morning and trying to get home before she woke up. Usually I would find her up in pajamas and with a shocked look on her face to see me coming back from work so fast.
She knows that Lab is not a 9-5 job but what she didn't get was that there are many rode blocks to science and so if you do not have a particular ingredient that you ordered or can't use an instrument you can't really start your experiments. I had a few experiments but they were fast to manage on a daily basis.

I woke up at 3 am today. I couldn't sleep because I knew she had to be in SFO at 6am... We left home at 4:30 on the dot, got to the airport a few minutes after 5. I was in lab by 5:30... I did a Mega Prep (DNA extraction). I finished that by 10 am. During incubation periods on the prep I collected my FACS samples.
Being efficient and quick to get out of the nut house that is my lab feels really good. Also everyone is really shocked to see me so early.
I am going to try to keep up this schedule so that I can stay away from unpleasant co-workers, trouble, and take more care of Coffee.

But enough about today and work. Hanging with my mom was soooo relaxing. I felt like a human being cause I was actually out of the lab before the sun went down. We would window shop eat out. Go see really nice houses in the rich neighborhoods. Also mom couldn't get over how different the fauna was here, like flowers and leaves and all that... And how hill-y SF is. Took her around the Presidio and Mill Valley couldn't get over the pine/eucalyptus trees smell. Didn't really thing the Golden Gate was that big of a deal. I agreed I mean it is just a red bridge after all. She insisted on cooking one night. I guess she missed beans.

We talked about the wedding. I think I managed to hype up her enthusiasm again. And then we just piped dreamed really badly. Sigh.... I hope some of those dreams come true. I took her to Napa and Sonoma. That was a disaster trip because for the first time in my life those places were very cold and rainy, kind of like SF should be. And then it took way too long to come back. Also Coffee was soooooo cold and miserable over there. Very dissapointed I usually think of Sonoma as the place to escape to if SF is too cold. :(

On the other hand we went to the Nordstrom Spa, had a body massage, pedicure, and manicure. At first she didn't want to go cause she didn't like the idea of the massage (even though shes had it before) but she liked it and she said that I had needed it.
We also had tons of fun in Carlos' and I little Spanish romantic restaurant in SF. Carlos kept kidding around with her and she would fall for it every time. Super funny. I mean honestly speaking I was actually a little tipsy.

I put on my wedding dress for her to see and she liked it. Whats even better is that when I put it on I LIKED IT AGAIN!!!!! I mean the scariest thing about this dress after I've bought it is that I'll stop liking it. But I am in love with my little dress again and can't wait to have tons of fun with it in my wedding. We talked about the wedding sooo much I got enthustiastic myself

Everything worked out. I was a little bit anxious about her visit cause I thought maybe we would get in a fight or she wouldn't like my apartment or something like that.
But what I noticed is that in remembering the ugly past so much I don't give my mom enough credit. I'll start changing that now.

I love my lab Part III

Dear Kitties,

Wow it has been a long long long time! Sorry about that. It has been pretty busy in my world. Many things have happened. For a while there the graduate students of my lab stared at me in wonder because despite my strange long and horrifying depression in January they had noticed that I had acquired this really optimistic personality. I would smile often through out the day, I wouldn't have fits, I wasn't wishing anyone to die and go to hell and burn for eternity. So yeah, they were wondering what the heck was going on with me. WELL I am back.
All the sudden this month the shit has hit the fan. A post doc totally stole an idea of mine and it is so obvious that a lot of people in the lab are just wondering what the hell is wrong with him. At the same time he is making up excuses about it and being extra nice to me. Except 2 days ago when he told me that both of my projects suck.
Amazing, how pathetic post docs often are. In the mean time another post doc yelled at me to stop being paranoid because everyone in the lab has their "best interest" in my success. It is to their benefit I graduate he spat!

The worse thing is that I can't do anything about it. If I go to my PI he ignores the situation and pats the post doc on the back....

Sigh.... I'll have other ideas soon.... When I start reading papers again. Right? It is a good thing I have my little crazy puppy to go home to. And to remind me that work=work not work=life.

On the lighter side of things. My PI told me that the last lab presentation I made was the best I've ever done. He said that I made TONS of progress and that he likes the way I am organizing my project. Ofcourse this was after he told me in front of everyone that he didn't believe my results and that my project was Debri.

I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab I love my lab

Random Thoughts Part I

It is awesome and yet ultra exhausting to be this busy! Not only do I have a million different experiments to do because my boss will be back from a surgery on Monday but Coffee also sticks to his name. He is dark and has tons of energy stored in that tiny innocent looking body. Carlos is starting to call him Tasmanian devil.
Sigh.... The little black ball of energy has already had such a positive affect on both of us. We both want to train him as best as possible and at the same time I feel younger inside. I noticed I laugh at more silly things these days...
I had been having such anxiety attacks about the responsibilities of being a master to a dog about walking him, training him etcetera, but now the rewards are soooo superior to all of that. There is a reason for me to go home as early as possible from work besides TV...

Coffe, in my Life, FINALLY!!!!

So I've been wanting a dog for over 10 years!!! But it was always, oh the apartment is not right, oh I dont' have the money, oh the landowner doesn't accept pets, oh I got into Grad School and right now i can't take of myself, oh I am taking the Qual. And the reasons went on and on. In the mean time every time I saw a dog in the street, my heart would break.

Finally when I passed the Qual, Carlos said you've earned a dog, it is the right time and the right place. SOoooo... We got one. And he is the cutest baby I've ever seen. He has this gentle look about his eyes, but it is obvious he is going to have attitude... He was born on the same day I took my Qual, December 12th, 2008.... And his name is Coffee. All I can think of all day and night, is him. It is literally like having a baby. I wake up in the middle of the night to play with him and put him back to sleep cause he wakes up whimpering. All this while Carlos tells me that I am spoiling him. I've already seen SOOOO many little things about this situation that reflect the kinds of parents we will be. Over protective is definitly one of those adjectives that will describe us...

Wedding? in 2009?

So my mom keeps telling me that almost everyone in my family has already bought their suit or dress for my wedding. Even though I don't know what city I am getting married in or when.

Somehow in some way my mom has gotten enthusiastic about this. Which is weird because til now all she said was that this was stupid, that it was unnecessary and that no one would go to it. Mommy dearest. ;> It may also be that she is trying to make up for (see previous post) somethings that happened recently but...whatever. I mean we have to believe whatever hurts the least, right?
Either way, mom kept asking me how many people would stay at the hotel if we did the wedding in Puerto Plata. And I said, well no one in the family lives in Puerto Plata, theres no relative, theres no "so and so's" house to stay at so I would guess all 80-100 guests would be expected to stay in the same hotel right? And thats when she said,"80 of us in one hotel? Wow that is going to be a party!"
So I am ordering invitations, I am emailing people for their addresses. I found 4 different invitations I fell in love with and I ordered samples. I am supposed to go pick up my wedding dress in 2 weeks. I can't wait to hang out in Pasadena.
So I guess this is going to happen sometime this year, come hell or highwater. All I want from this is to see Carlos looking at me at the altar right before we kiss. Wow I can't believe I am getting married by the church! That is some permanent stuff....

Alien/Body Invasion

This month so far has been pretty weird. After I got over that terrible flu thing that is going around I started feeling emotionally unstable...to say the least. Basically I felt like an alien partially took over my body. So while I felt like I was still in the body I felt like something else was making every observation and every decision I handed down to me. Many things happened between the month of December and January that could have triggered this but I just didn't feel like I could handle it. I couldn't handle not knowing what it was and I couldn't handle feeling like that at all. It was taking me, basically, 4 hours just to get dressed to go to work, and then it took so much effort to focus on driving, and then I was crying on the way to work.

It would fade as the day went by. Seeing my friends at work, talking to them, telling them how I felt, joking about it, doing experiments, having to focus on other things, helped.. So at the end of the day I would think, "I feel better, aww, it should go away by the end of the day or week". And then the end of the day would pass and it would start all over again... that feeling of uselessness, that inability to handle any type of pressure, of nothing at all making sense, of nothing at all having a purpose. I didn't even feel like a human being.
Then the end of the week came and it was still there. I ended up pretending I was happy at work so that people wouldn't ask me what was wrong. It was so easy I surprised myself. By the end of the week I was desperate, I was looking for anything. How long would this last? Jesus Christ!

The next week went by. I felt like I was loosing myself completely. I wasn't remember who exactly I had been before. I went out with Sheri to a diner around home and we talked about everything that had come at me, all the pressures at work, marriage, going back home to D.R., not seeing my family, wedding planning, loosing weight, keeping things from people, just about everything. By the end of it, I felt better. It felt good to just talk to someone I could say anything and everything to.

By the end of that week, my mom and sister were scheduled to come visit, finally! Carlos and I began buying stuff so that they could be comfortable in our home. Two weeks later a day before the scheduled date, my mom finally answered the phone (this was after I had called her all week) . Since she had not answered the phone all week long I had thought that they were trying to somehow surprise me, by the end of the week I thought someone had died in the family I called everybody to see what was going on and no one answered. Finally, the day before the scheduled date of arrival she answers, only to tell me that she will not visit.
I didn't react right away. It took me an hour to realize how angry I was. How hurt, how stupid I felt for believing her. How did I not see this coming? How dare I think that my mother will actually step on an airplane and come visit me. I was so angry I kicked the week of my car, I cried, I screamed, and I don't know how, but I made it home. That same night I saw Sheri and I told her about it and then I calmed myself and we hung out looking at magazines talking about her wedding.

More things happened that week and the week before but there is only so much about my life I am actually willing to put in this blog. Lets just say things went from bad to worse.

Lets see how next week plays out.

Back from Vacation

So I passed the Qual, the most evil test in graduate school. Now I am a pH.D candidate, which only adds 25 cents to my name by the end of the month.
I still don't understand HOW i passed the Qual. I only know that I passed it. It almost feels like a trick.

After passing the Qual, I spent 1 week getting HIV DNA out of bacteria. Then I had a discussion with our lab leader over my next presentation. She thought I should present on January 6th. I thought that was the stupidest things she'd ever come up with since I didn't have data, I've been studying for the qual and I wouldn't have any time between vacation and lab meeting to come up with something. Soo... we kinda had a bad moment. I didn't say anything bad. I just tried to get out of it. She was kind of bitchy then and she was bitchy today. See I came back from vacation with the worst flu ever. Not only do I have the flu, but I have fevers, I am vomiting, and my stomach is just plain out of whack. I mean I 've lost 5 pounds in 2 days. I am on soda crackers and juice.
I sent her an email telling her that I am didn't think I would be presenting today and she didn't write me back. And then she was talking crap about it yesterday too.
God, some people. WHY WHY WHY can't Post Docs just get it WHY?
It took me 4 hours to get dressed today. I went to lab eventhough you shouldn't be driving after taking sudafed, nyquil and dayquil, and tylenol. When I got there they told me that meeting was canceled til tomorrow.
Just like that.
SO now i have to do the same thing tomorrow.