Ecstatic Times...

Dear Kitties,

There are sooooo many things to be ecstatic about first off it is Christmas. Second of, my friend Sheri past the Qualifying Exam! Third of, I am presenting today and soon meeting with my PI to talk about a new project.

The thing with the 2nd point is that our little graduate student group helped Sheri out every single time she asked for help. That means that we did a lot of what we call "Mock Quals". The fact that she passed gives me and maybe some others in the group, hope that we will pass also. At the same time Sheri is like a housekeeping gene to me. Without her I don't function well in graduate school. Everything would just crumble and I knew that Sheri was exhausted and would possibly not take the Qual ever again if she had to so it is a very good thing that she past it is a relief. Another good thing about it is that now Sheri can get to the happily ever after part of her life cause now she can move in with her boyfriend, now he can propose to her, now they can buy a house and a small dog, now she can save up and start planning for the wedding. You have to understand that Quals is a very strong inhibitor to life. It is like an HDAC, it just de-acetylates your life and stops it from progressing at all. Now imagine how messed up I was while the HDAC (= Quals) was deacetylating my housekeeping gene.... Not very well.
:) I can not believe that I have gotten this nerdy.
See what graduate school does to you?

It is Christmas...Get over it.

The Christmas season began. We bought our Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. We bought the lights and some ornaments the very next day. Slowly but surely the tree is getting surrounded by gifts. I love christmas. I really do! The reason why I love Christmas is because it is the one time of the year in which America finally thinks about family. It is the one time that we allow ourselves to be a little lazy about work. Where work actually has to take a back seat for once and allow family to take the front seat.
No matter in what situation you are in, in America, I guarantee that even if you've spent the whole year without thinking of your childhood, of your parents, siblings, you will think of them then.
I love how everything all the sudden becomes red and white, how all the windows all the sudden have to be a plethora of glitter of little lights glimmering out at you, letting you know that you are supposed to be happy.
I admit this can be a very depressing time of the year, but like I told my collegue David the other day, things are what you make of them.
I love how when I look back at my childhood, this was the one time a year that my mom actually made an extra effort to be happy and to be close to me. Now I have inherited that habit. Even though hell has basically been opening up right infront of my lab bench, I've kept quiet about it, I've kept to my self all the crap that has been happening and just getting thru the day and trying to spread the cheer. See, in my family at least, we've always believed that what ever mood you are in, mad, sad, happy whatever, gets spread around to the people around you. I don't want to spread the grinch I want to spread the cheer.
It is not easy spreading the cheers my kitties.
I can see some of it has been successful though, because eventhough my labmates are total workaholics who hardly notice when I am gone, lately, everytime I arrive they notice and they joke around with me and they chit chat with me. It feels damn good. Today I even felt like just hanging out. Today was the first day I felt like staying in lab instead of leaving (ever since I first joined the lab).
So if you have been wondering where I've been? Why am I not complaining as always? Well theres the reason. It is Christmas and I refuse to let the little things bother me or my close ones, if only for this one month a year.

Changes

This morning as I was driving across the Bay Bridge I was remembering about where my school education began.
My first school ever was in New York, specifically the Bronx. All I remember about that place was that I felt so alone, so abandoned, that the teacher did not allow me to write the number “8” upside down so I lived in constant fear of being critized for writing it different. I also used to wonder what was wrong with me? Just because I used to start writing the number from the bottom instead of the top, like almost everyone else. I remember there was one day a huge knife fight began in the school and I ran out earlier than usual to my bus stop. Then the last thing I remember was me saying, “so that is it, I am done. No more school!” and my mom clarified to me that I still had many years of school left… You see even at that age I didn’t understand why we had to fake graduations from primary school when we had so many grades left.

After that school year my mom and I moved to the Dominican Republic. I remember one time I attended school at a lot. What do I mean by lot? Well, the teacher had a board, some chalk, and the students, me and my cousins, sat literally on rocks while she taught. There was no roof, no walls just a bunch of rocks and left overs from an abandoned construction site.

Don’t get me wrong, there are many fancy schools in the Dominican Republic but then there are also some very poor ones such as that one.
The last school I attended in the Dominican Republic had small classrooms and big boards. I remember that back then my biggest worries were guessing how to spell tomato in Spanish in final test. My mom was waiting for me at the door of the classroom (had come to pick me up) and whispered the answer to me, since I had been taking so long and was sitting so close to the door.

As I was going thru all of these memories it all the sudden hit me that I was a girl that had gone from learning how to add while sitting on a rock to the Gladstone Institute and learning how to transfect cells. I smiled.
What a transition huh? We’ve come a long way baby! We sure as hell have!

100th idea but the number doesn't matter cause it still sucks

hey kitties,
On friday I met up with a couple of postdocs from the lab. I felt awful because the idea that I had come up with was just not good enough in many ways. You should have seen the stack of papers I had on my desk. It was just past ridiculous. But I was just beginning to like my idea. It was about the nuclear retention of HIV RNA. I could have gone in so many ways with it.
But I got a no. This is the 2nd no I've gotten, but who is counting. I am at the end of my spinal chord here.
I don't want to work on this. I am tired and I my spirit is just "dead en el piso". Whatevers...if there is one thing I've learned from reading my own posts is that I always find a way. But I just wish I had something kitties. I really do.

Here is the plan. I am going to look into one more idea, I am going to talk to another post doc, and then if none of that works then I am talking to the boss.

The good news this week:
(1) The husband is still delicious.
(2) My 293T cells are finally getting into their senses. I think thats just because they know that my Post doc is looking. They know they can't mess with me anymore.

Sees you all later. Lots of love.

A breath of fresh Air..

Most people, when thinking of "fresh air" would think Yosemite park, Montana, Colorado, just somewhere in the woods. But me being me Of course I do not think the same way.
When I think of fresh air I think, "New York City".
I have been so stressed out with not getting results in lab and tests, and classes, and professors and God only knows what else that finally, my husband decided I needed a weekend in New York. It had been more than a year, near 2 years, since I had gone HOME. I was going crazy. Infact it sort of felt like I used to feel when I was little and a long time had passed since I had visited St. Domingo.
I would feel like over the years, I had slowly lost little pieces of myself. Pieces that somehow allowed me to be the real me the happy me. Yes, I know, you are not supposed to be dependent on places in order to be happy but thats the way it felt and thats the way it went. When I was little, going to DR was a spiritually electrifying experience, every single time.
I kind of lost that some years back with DR. Now I have it with New York.
So! When I was in the airplane I decided that I would try and be as objective about NY as possible. I would try my best not to idealize it and in the process condemn San Fran even more than ever. So I did it. I tried to see the goods and the bads. Here is a list of them.

Bads first:

• New York is dirty.
• The Subway system has deteriorated even more than when I was there.
• There are no street signs indicating where the nearest subway station is.
• The subway stations don't have subway maps anymore.
• I don't understand the purpose of having people working behind boxed windows if they are not at least going to be capable of keeping track of maps and hand them out.
• People are just plain pist off in New York.
• The village looks as bad as Harlem and yet it is 10x's more expensive.
• The Rockefeller cafe needs to add a lot more to its Brunch menu, it is pathetic really.
• Park Ave is going down the drain.

Some of the Goods:

• New York is just practical!
• New York is a very tight community in that the city is always doing something Artsy and always includes the whole population of the city in it!
• New York is a city that inspires you to be creative to READ! I say this because the whole time I've been in California I never really felt like picking up a book for the hell of it. In New York, as soon as we checkd into the hotel and walked out I felt I needed a book. I know the reason for this also, it is because when you go to the subway you see atleast 5 people in a car with a book. And when you go to the book stores in New York, they display a lot more of the cool front cover books. The city feels like it is a book club. Some how they make you feel like it is cool to read.
• The architecture is just PHENOMENOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Shopping is 10x's easier. This is probrably just me, cause I know where to go and why.
• The beggars are polite. I had never in my life met so many rude and violent poor people as in San Francisco and especially Berkeley.
• In New York, if you give the beggers money great if you don't it is okay. You can actually have a conversation with New York bumbs. They'll actually give you directions. In Berkeley you give a quarter and they'll spit at you. Which is very bad cause now I've grown resentment towards beggers.

Things I did in New York:

I met up with my cousin, Carol and her husband for dinner at this small Spanish restaurant on 19th Street called Sala. It was just as delicious and even more hip than I remember. The food was great. Specially that fried goat cheese (from Heaven). My cousin and I had fun talking about everyone in the family and plans for the future and the present state of our lives. That was fun. I went shopping all over the city. We almost visited every neighborhood, West and East side of SOHO, the village, 65th Street Lincoln Cntr area (My favorite neighborhood) , Union Square, around the Metropolitan Museum etc, East 33rd Street... We went to the Metropolitan Museum. Carlos says it inspired him. We saw an exhibition of black and white photos and some modern paintings. We also hung out a lot in our hotel room.... We went mostly to old restaurants that we already knew but we also discovered 2 new ones.

The first night I felt like a stranger in my hometown. It bothered me. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. I was afraid I had lost the New Yorker in me and had become a San Franciscan. Then I had a cup of wine and then felt better.

Carlos said to me, "You can take the girl out of New York but you can't take the New York out of the girl." I realized in the end how right he was. By the 2nd day I was walking just as fast and much as any New Yorker, I knew my subways and stops, I knew where to shop, and I was getting the New York cranky attitude. I was teary in the airport. The only thing that made me stop thinking of leaving New York and how miserable I felt was thinking about what the hell my next project was going to be.

The best thing about going to New York:

Not thinking of science and politics for 1 1/2 days! -PRICELESS......

A new and Dangerous Psychological Disease

We have concluded that we are going thru a very serious psychological disease.
It is called 2nd year syndrome.
In this disease you get really depressed for the following reasons:

• Your project is not working and your PI was expecting results 3 weeks ago.
• Because your project is not working you don't want to go to lab and be forced to think about ho you have failed and since you haven't been in lab you get paranoid and you believe that everyone is looking down at you for not working and for not producing results.
• You are completely exhausted because you are taking classes, trying to make a research project work, trying to find a new project, and you had a test recently.
• Also you can not believe for the life of you that next semester you are supposed to do your Qualifying exam. When you haven't even figured out your main project yet.
  

The symtoms include:

• Suicidal thoughts.
• Spontaneous hysterical crying.
• Feelings of extreme isolation/exclusion.
• Catatonic.
• Worthlessness.
• Loss of concentration.
• Walking around like you are a zombie.
• Headaches, grinding your teeth all day and night.
• Major procrastination.
• Exhaustion.
• Major hair loss (both in females and males).
• Spontaneous fits of arguing, competition, or crying with your classmates or significant others.

We are still searching for more signs of this terrible disease. Symtoms may vary depending on the graduate student.

Prevention:
DO NOT go to Graduate school
Keep your kids out of graduate school
Do not engage in Graduate like behaviours
Protect your self. Do not go to school at all.

Immunity:
You would have to be a genius with Photographic memory and an insomniac all at the same time.

Therapy:
The only known therapy is support. People have to tell you over and over and over that everything is going to be okay. But then if the graduate student believes these are just empty sentences it is not worth even saying anything. Concaine or Marijuana may actually be helpful here. I mean we need concaine to work day and night and we need Marijuana to help with the posttraumatic stress.

Cure:
There is no cure for this. In fact we believe this is a chronic disease that will stay with you even after you receive the nobel prize. There are latency periods in which the student may think that they are cured but NO the symtoms will return. Latency periods vary of course.

This is only a preventative disease. If you are in the sciences please stay being a technician or get a job doing something else. Trying to get a Ph.D is not a good idea. You will never get paid what you should be paid. You will always be treated like a smelly dirty dog. You will only get true recognition when you are close to your death if ever. And the general population does not understand or care about what you are doing. If you try to explain it to them they give you that disgusted look...

no presentation = interrogation

Today, I went into lab. (Evil test tomorrow)
I went to split my cells so that sometime this week I could transfect my cells and prove to my collegues that I am actually capable of transfecting despite my occasional stupid mistakes.
Anyways, I went in and splitted my cells. I went to the computers to check my e-mail and 2 of my collegues were there. One of them was the Post Doc manager of the lab. Just 3 days ago I had to exchange presentations dates with him because with all the stuff that has been going on with my transfections and the fact that I have a test tomorrow I told him, "It will be impossible for me to present anything good next week. Everything I've done can be summarised into 1 sentence 'I tried making virus but I couldn't.'"
So he began to ask me again why is it that I can't present. I told him, I had done some stupid mistakes that had made my transfections impossible to be successful and therefore I had not been able to make any good experiments. He asked me, "Who is helping you on this." I pointed to the other guy, the one sitting there with him, whom is like a post doc himself but is really a technician.
It was a little on the annoying side because other people have canceled lab meeting many times. Am I going to get such a hard time every time I cancel? I mean I am just a grad student I am just learning how to do all this. It is not going to be smooth sailing ever. He was trying to make me feel like I didn't have to push myself but at the same time it sounded/felt like an interrogation.

shoot me yesterday

2 weekends lost to this test, 2

My transfections didn't work. My fusion assay results look funny, even though I did everything perfectly fine. So the conclusion to this experiment is that I have absolutely no results for my next lab meeting.
This week I have a test on Thursday. yeah originally I thought it was Monday but then my friends told me it was on Thursday and I slacked on the studying. Now I am stuck at home studying for this test without results for next lab meeting.

This does not help my confidence at all. Some day I am going to have to get off this yo-yo of emotional rollercoaster. When I am doing good in presentations or in lab it is great I love my self and everything around me. When nothing is working I want to die. I wish I could be a little more uncaring about it all.

So eventhough I have a test on thursday. I am going to be transfecting cells on Wensday so that by the weekend I can have some virus and maybe do a fusion assay or two before lab meeting.
Rushed results never come out good so I need a miracle.

Shoot me now please so that my torture can end. :)

Too tired to be tired

So this friday I was dying cause I am still not sure if my transfections worked. You see the way things work is that I have to test out my viruses. I have to test them out on cellular entry under different conditions. In order to do all these experiments obviously I need virus. My next presentation is on the 25th of October.
If I don't have virus by this week then I can't do experiments. If I can't do experiments then can't have results for the presentation. Now I want to have results for this presentation because on my first, I didn't really have any. Most of my presentation was about making viruses and the troubles we were having with it.

What scares me about my transfections, what could have been wrong this time? Well there is the DNA which I precipitated with EtOH instead of iso-propanol. Then there is the cells. I discovered last week that one HUGE problem is that the shelves in the incubator are NOT leveled. So basically what ends up happening is that my cells accumulate on one side of the flask and then those become too crowded while the other side is not so crowded. They are supposed to be evenly distributed. I guess one thing that I can do is leave it in 1 position for 2 hours and then turn it the opposite way for another 2 hours..... Maybe they'll be even then?

In the mean time, in this transfection, I had bad DNA (as far as I am concerned) and then I also had uneven cells. Also I waited 1 hour before putting the precipitate to the cells. But it took me a long time to prepare the cells after that one hour so I might have left the precipitate growing for too long. I noticed a lot of flakes once I added it.

Sorry kitties, I am trying to write all the possible failures here.
I am going to run an ELISA on these today so that I can see if I have virus or NOT. Wish me luck.

In the meantime, next week monday is my first immunology test and "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." Thats the attitude I have right now and I can't shake it off. I played video games with Carlos for 3 hours last night. Thats how much I don't give a crap about this test.

Dead en el Piso

So today, hmm what did I do today?
Well, I went to class, I did a presentation, then I went to work, I attended lab meeting. While lab meeting was going on I was in the middle of a large prep so everytime someone finished their presentation I had to go do some stupid step in my large prep.
I needed this DNA for today so I was very enthustiastic.
SO finally I got to the part where you run your DNA thru your column. Check, well done. But the next step where I am supposed to add Isopropanol to the DNA so that it will precipitated while centrifuging I fucked up. Instead of adding isopropanol I added ethanol! Yes my friends your beautiful lovely friend Isa fucked up majorly. So I called Maria. I called Sheri. I called Quiagen. I looked in the internet. Apperently no one in the world had ever done such a stupid thing in their life cause no one knew what to do.

I swear to GOD I was "Dead en el Piso"!

So I saw the precipitate but according to the website that white stuff you see is not your DNA it is SALT. So I was scared to death. Sheri said that it shouldn't make such a difference since EtOH is not that different from Isopropanol and either way some DNA extractions are done with EtOH. I had thought the same thing but I didn't believe it. I prayed to God. But I am not exagerating I heard him say in my head, "NOw you want me to turn EtOH into PropanoL? Now you want me to change chemicals? You know there is only so much I can do about your FUCK UPS." I begin to doubt everything. Why am I trying to become a scientist? I suck. But then I remembered that in less than a month I have done 3 perfectly beautiful presentations! Conflict conflict conflict. I remember that while I was grinding my teeth none of my experiments failed. Maybe grinding my teeth and destroying them and getting migraine headaches is worth me not doing mistakes?
Dead en el piso. Thats what I was.
THEN I specked the samples anyways... And the Angels sung. Ahhhhh!
I got DNA!!!!!!!!!!
YEY
I got DNA. Watson and Crick were not as happy as I was
(I know this for a fact because they were Stiff British thieves).

Chats and Lovers

In todays world where everything runs 10ox's as fast as anything back in the 1800's what is one to do? Are we really equipped and mentally prepared to handle all this technology?
Well here is an example of what happends when 2 very busy souls such as my husband I are trying to chat about things we need to get done. Here is what happends when people try to do 4 things at the same time and 100's times as fast.
I am officially pasting a chat we had this morning. I hope you can understand it, see the mistakes, and enjoy it. I certainly laughed like crazy.

10:36 AM what are u doing?

me: nothing

waiting for class.

carlos: ohh

10:37 AM I need some cooffe

me: go get some

hey so how do you want to buy this new cell phone

are we going to buy a brand new one?

10:38 AM carlos: it all depends, we can get a new phone for you very discounted if we do another 2 year contract

or 1 year contract for a little more

or we can get a phone from ebay

but it all depends on what phone you want

so that's why I want to goto the store so you can see phones and so we can ask the person

10:39 AM me: we'll see.

10:40 AM so i am very dissapointed in us. we didn't look for hotels or anthing last night

carlos: uhm we where very tired

it happens

me: this can not continue

carlos: I know ur looking in san fran, but I got an email from red oak with some new listings

http://www.idxre.com/idx/co/searchProfileMatches.cfm?cid=1&pc=RES&sr=1&gsr=1&fe=115&sd=09/27/2006&ed=09/27/2007&mi=newListings&CFID=108607&CFTOKEN=29737819

me: baby

10:41 AM do you remember

Dee's phone?

it used to be tiny

carlos: this weekend I think I'm going to buy a slow cooker, this way we can leave meals cooking through out the day while we're at work, and they'll be ready when we're home , that'll help

yeah I remember

hold let me show u some phones

10:42 AM me: I already told you we have a slow cooker....

i guess we can buy another.

carlos: where do we have a slow cooker ?

me: uhm in the bathroom right under the toilet. yeah (isa being sarcastic)

carlos: huh?

HUH???

me: me: baby
do you remember
Dee's phone?
it used to be tiny

10:43 AM carlos: stop pasting old stuff baby and read my replies

http://www.verizonwireless.com/b2c/store/controller?item=phoneFirst&action=viewPhoneOverviewByDevice&deviceType=Phones&sortOption=priceSort

now LISTEN

me: your reply to the phone was the slow cooker

10:44 AM carlos: first , what the hell are you talking about a slow cooker under the toilet ?

second look at the link I just sent you for the phones

me: i was already looking at that site

carlos: and just tell me the one you like

just tell me the one you like

me: GOD DAMMIT

PAY ATTENTION and answer my question with words

carlos: http://www.verizonwireless.com/b2c/store/controller?item=phoneFirst&action=viewPhoneDetail&selectedPhoneId=2829&changingCompletedOrder=

10:45 AM me: i know you put up a site. I was already looking at that

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

carlos: ugh , you're frustrating me a little baby

me: same here

listen to me

stop pasting the site

carlos: LISTEN FOR ONE MINUTE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

me: i only have a few minutes left

carlos: I did not paste the the same link

10:46 AM click on the links before you talk honey

I was showing a specifc phone in the last link I pasted

10:47 AM did you see it?

me: well you should tell me that I can't read your mind. and you still haven't said anything about my question about Dees phone do you remember it or not? it is not that hard of a question. I am going to look at the last link right now OKAY?

carlos: I did answer the question

I said yes I did remember

me: i don't like how that phone looks

okay

10:48 AM what brand was that phone?

i think i want that one.

:(

carlos: and from now on PLEASE when I paste a link, for anything in the future ... even the link looks the same PLEASE don't assume that it's the same , this is why our chat conversations get frustrating when we're showing stuff

that phone is an lg phone

10:49 AM me: well before pasting links please PLEASE answer my questions with words so that the conversation can be smoother. PLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEE!

okay now.

carlos: but I did answer

if you look back

(10:41:41) Carlos Munoz: yeah I remember

10:50 AM at 10:41 I pasted that

when you asked me

and you still have not explained about the slow cooker under the toilet

me: the phone that you said was an LG. were you talking about Dee's phone being an LG?

me: me: baby
do you remember
Dee's phone?
it used to be tiny

carlos: but moving on - what don't you like about that phone? the color or the shape

me: I asked you way before that carlos.

carlos: jesus crist

listen

10:51 AM don't type

just read

teh following

me: uhm okay yes i am waiting

10:52 AM carlos: I REMEMBER DEES PHONE IT WAS TINY YES I GET IT
her phone was nokia brand , if I remember correctily
the pink phone that I showed is an LG phone (the way you posted your question it made it seem like that's what you where asking)

me: i have to go in 5 minutes!

carlos: now please answer this:

what about that pink phone did u not like ?

the shape or color ?

me: I ALREADY TYPED THAT I DIDNOT REPEAT DID NOT LIKE THE PHONE!

you need to start reading also.

10:53 AM carlos: ok, go through the verizon site - and just email me whatever phone you like honey

10:54 AM me: great thanks...

10:55 AM I'll talk to you laters.

carlos: ok bye bye

have fun in class

10:56 AM me: bye

Surviving the Retreat

Some time in the past my department decided to create a "retreat". Usually in retreats, either the faculty presents the latest in their field of research or the students along with the post docs and professors do it.
In our retreat is structured so that only the students of our department present and get tortured by the faculty. Basically the hotel in which we stay in is very far away and the rode over there is designed so that everybody including the driver can get car sick. We all feel like throwing up by the time we get there because of the squigly rodes. There is absolutely no cell phone or internet acess in this place. And you are not allowed to bring family members. Then after that 80% of the students feel sick for 2 days either because they've been tortured, they someone else get tortured, or they know they are going to get tortured. No one even has the energy to party. So this retreat is a perfectly designed to torture the students.

Anyways this was my second time in this retreat. The first time I didn't have to present because I still had not begun researching. So this was my first time getting tortured by the professors. All this year (all the way from the first time i went last year) I've been thinking that I would fail this task. I just didn't see any way I could survive this. I mean really, the terrorist have nothing compared to this.

Hours before your presentation, you feel nauseus, your stomach feels empty but at the same time it hurts, it feels like it is out of place like if you want to take it out. Your knees shake and you will feel that you will faint. You have a piercing headache that defies aspirin, no matter how much extra strenght you put into it. Drinking water makes you feel like you've drowning. Sometimes images merge and you walk weird cause you are having a dizzy spell. You have hot flashes. Everytime a student presents and it gets tortured your heart pumps like if it is actually going to escape your chest. You do not get any sleep because the walls are so thin. There are loud weird birds outside. Your bed board creeks more than a mouse being cut into pieces without anesthesia while alive. You get maybe2 hours of sleep. You dream about that one last student that cried like a pig being killed "eeeeee! eeeeee! eeee!"
You eat breakfast and the cofee gives you a false sense of hope but then it wears off as soon as you get into the conference room. You take a look around trying to think "these are just humans there is only so much they can do to me" but spontaneous tears escape your eyelids and you sit on that chair ready for your doom. Right before you are about to present you feel like you need to pee.

My experience...
I walked up to the board thinking, "I can just run out. But they will all just laugh and know that their tortures, their tricks work. It will only encourage them to continue it." I forgot to say that we are not allowed to present with slides so we have to use markers to draw everything on a paper board. So I turn the last person's board where instead of her drawings with the markers is really her blood. At first I can't get any words out, "Say your name Godammit! If you can say at least your name you will survive"....
I say "Hi! I am Isa." One of the professors, Old-frow looks at me like if I am wrong like if that was the stupidest mistake I've ever done. I second guess myself, I check in my brain for another name but there is none. Only the name Isa comes to mind. So I continue I give my presentation. Then there comes the questioning session. The lights seem to dim except for one. I am having a hot flash again. My heart is pumping like if I had just ran 3 miles in 3 seconds. 3 People raise their hands. I answer their questions. Then all the sudden I answer a controversial question and then 12 people raise their hands. I am about to throw up but instead I answer and then all the sudden I just want to sit down. All the symptoms go away. The stomaches, the nausea. You feel lightheaded and 1/2 way thru the next persons presentation I realize that I survived. Infact when I look back at it I realize I did pretty good.... GOOD? that is impossible... that is defying gravity. That is witnessing the landing of a space ship. That is traveling thru a black hole and living to tell your adventures.
It is not possible something I've been fearing for a year! Something I thought completely impossible? I ask my friends and enemies how I did. Because for a few minutes I believe that it was all an illusion, maybe a dream and now it is the real time for me to present. They all say I did good, my enemies were impressed. I feel happy for 1 hour but then in my head I tell my self this is all a trick, "this is just false hope they gave me so that I will not quit the program and they can save all the torture for next year." They will catch me at my weakest moment.



I look back at the way Old frow looked at me right before I sat down, those frozen dark green eyes they said, "Next time Isa, Next time!" At the moment I am thinking this I am driving back home and the nausea kicks back in, my heart again wants to get out of my body. I scream like if I have woken up from a terrible nightmare. My friends ask me what is wrong. I almost drive us off the cliff screaming instead I pause the car right on the edge. I start crying unconsolobly and Sheri comforts me patting me on the back and saying, "Oh the same thing happend to me last year when it was my first time. It is okay. I know how you feel. I am sorry I failed you I didn't tell you to run away when you interviewed. I am so sorry. Now you are just stuck here with us in this petri dish full of algar and there is nothing you can do about it they will mutate you. They will make you resistant to all the antibiotic and you will be in the end a clone of THEM" Both me and Maria cry repeatly, "We don't want to be like them we don't want to be like them."
We go home and I don't feel human again, until I see Carlos.

Very important note: Only the last paragraph is fiction, "I did not almost drive us off the rode.." Everything else is completely true!!!!!!

The Graduate Student has a Home

So today I gave my first lab presentation. I was very stressed out about this presentation because most of the people in the lab are post docs. So there is a very high expectations factor here.
I was so nervous that I was having nightmares and grinding my teeth at night. Then today i was sooo tired that I just couldn't help it anymore. So I did calm down. I presented, I had trouble with words but not too many I think. The coolest thing was that when the PI thought that I didn't know the answer to something he would ask the post-doc, but I would interrupt and answer. That was the coolest part.
When I brought up my acknowlegement slide I thanked the PI for letting me work in his lab. I said you know it is very rare for a Berkeley student to be working here. I thanked the rest of the lab.
And the PI said, "Well we certainly appreciate you being here we know that it is must be extra hard having to commute here, especially with classes."
I wanted to melt.... That was beautiful moment #2 with this PI.
Then after that slide came my announcement, "I am staying in the lab."
The lab applauded softly and one of them said, "I called that one."
I said, "I didn't do that much of a good job at keeping it secret."
After the presentation another post doc said, good job. My post-doc gave me a thumbs up.
And then my PI said, "that was a good presentation Isa." Beautiful moment #3!
I said thank you , of course...
And then I felt an urge to get the experiments right. To get results, to get the project going...
Now here I am in P3..... Splitting my cells.

Nothing and Everything...

There are so many things happening that sometimes I just sit down for a few minutes and watch the world. It is amazing how fast things move.
Just a year ago I was starting my first semester of graduate school and I was worried about everything. Graduate school teaches you soooooo much. But most of what it teaches is outside of the classroom outside of the lab. With me, it has taught me just so many things. Things that everyone in my life pointed out about my personality, good and bad. For the first time there is a force that is not allowing me to ignore these qualities of the way I am and the way things are.
There is no little rock to hide under and lie to others or myself...
What do I mean with all this babbling?

Well for the first time, as I've said before, I have friends. Now that I have friends and don't want to loose them. Sometimes I force myself to stop talking about my self centered self and to allow them to talk. I force myself to try to see things the way they do to take their perspective of things so that I can better advice them for what would make them happy. These skills have taken soooooo long to develop, they are still in process actually. I have realized that in order to be friends we don't have to have the same opinions. Then there is the patience. And allowing them to make their own mistakes and realize them. There have been a few times I've had to stick my foot right in my mouth so I've learned to reduce the judgments....

At the same time there have been some professional lessons. I can do presentations but need to work on them more. I can write a grant. I can pass a hard class with a B and I can do it all on my own.

Slowly but surely I am realizing the amount of strength I have.

So finally I am almost done with my 3rd rotation. Here I am at UCSF. A well recognized Medical and Graduate School indeed. I never planned on going to UCSF. I feel like a pebble in the middle of the Niagara falls. I never wanted to be in a huge prestigious school and all of the sudden that is exactly where I am. You see I was going to do all 3 rotations in Berkeley (not that Berkeley is a peasant's school or anything but I find UCSF harder). But then I found that none of the 2 rotations I had completed quite worked and no one else at Berkeley was even near working on AIDS. At some point someone pointed out to me that I did have the opportunity to try out labs in UCSF. And again, like I said, here I am.

I met with my PI on Wens at 5:10 PM.
He asked, "what did you want to meet and discuss?"
I blurted out, "My staying here"
Oh so you want to stay in the lab?
"Yes, I do."
"What attracted you about our lab?
"You are the most challenging. I feel that in the other labs I would have learned all the techniques known there within months, here I feel I'll spend years and still be challenged"
"Well you certainly don't want to stop learning that is very important. Not learning is like being dead."
I smiled.
"Claudia (the postdoc I work with), has told me that you have some troubles with accuracy?"
The world fell apart in my body.
"Do you feel that you have the best of hands?"
"To be honest sir, no I don't think I have perfect hands it is something I have been working on and will continue to."
"So this has been a struggle?"
"It has been something I have noticed before."
"What is the problem? Do you not concentrate?"
"I don't know. I mean if I would have known I guess I would have fixed it already."
Pause. Me trying to figure out what it is that doesn't let me be a perfect scientist....

"I think it is that I always want to do a million things at the same time and then nothing works out quite the way I need it to."
"I see. Well that is certainly something we can fix."
"Well Isa, I have to say that I have to meet with Claudia again but my preliminary answer is 'Yes' ".
"What?"
"Yes."
"I think that you are a very bright, enthusiastic, energetic girl. People in the lab like you."
"Thank You"

In the mean time I felt like I had been released from the ball and chain of my last boss's words (my boss from New York)...It went something the likes of: Isa, you are completely untalented, you have a horrible attitude, you have no business in the scientific field, I don't know what talents you have... I wish you well.....
Released...Finally....

Someone successful told me I was BRIGHT! LIKABLE! I breathe for 4 minutes the freshest most delicious air in the world. And then the responsibilities, the reality hit me.....

Husbands that Cook go to Heaven!!!

My husband cooks like a God!
We just had his specialty, Tuna, with potato cakes, and rice and the little salsa from which the Tuna was seared....
YUM!
;P

The Gnomes have arrived

Hi everybody. Somehow, the gnomes got to San Francisco. For those of you that do not read my blog often enough to know what I am talking about let me explain.

So there are these evil gnomes that come by whatever lab I am working in and they mess up my experiments. They don't touch other peoples experiments just my own. In another words I am cursed. Because of these gnomes sometimes my experiments just DON"T work!

Three days ago I was in the lab until 11:30pm because I wanted to get everything done so that I wouldn't have to stay late the next day since I had to help Sheri with her Qualifying. So anyways I stayed that late working on the LSR (flow cytommetry machine) and I thought everything looked awesome and great and I transfered my results over to the other computer. I was really anxious to look over my data cause it was exciting stuff going on but I decided, "No I must go home get some sleep and eat, not in that order". So the next morning I was so happy cause I was going to analyze my results and see what happend. Except that the two sets of data I acquired had exactly the same percentages. I didn't believe that 2 sets of results under different conditions could be SO the same so I ran back to the LSR thinking I had transfered the wrong data 2x's. So I went back and my Data dissapeared!!!!! I went over to Jason (the LSR master) I told him "Jason, I am either going to kill myself or I am going to shoot the LSR" He said, "Well the LSR is worth $40,000 please don't shoot it I need it next week."
We went to look over it and Jason said, "I am sorry Isa, there is NO hope. Somehow the program just didn't get your stuff."
There was a tear stuck to the corner of my eye lid. Jason could see that I was loosing it. He said,"Go take 3 deep breaths" And I just yelled, "BAD LSR BAD VERY VERY BAD."
I wanted to die! That was all yesterday, I am still depressed over it.
I am mourning my data. The data that was going to save my presentation. Now instead of relaxing for the weekend I have to come into work eventhough the bridge (Bay Bridge) is goin to be closed and I am going to have to take 3 million different trains to get here.
Yeah, so i have to come in on Monday and start the experiment ALL OVER AGAIN!

The gnomes have arrived, and they manipulated the innocent LSR into eating my data.
It is just such a sad story. There are starving children in Africa that know how I feel right now.

Chill kitties.

1st Week of (2nd Year) Grad School

Hey Kitties! How is your PI treating you these days.
Today I caught my PI playing a little golf in the lab. Can you imagine a PI that cool. He had his ball and stick (I do not know anything about golf so...) and everything and was swinging, my you very gently, at the ball.

So my life has turned even more complicated because the semester has begun and because I am doing research at UCSF instead of UC Berkeley. I haven't been able to register because Berkeley somehow messed up my account so that I would be owing them $5,560.05.... Yeah I love the way they added that extra 5 cents, it is artistic really. For a whole 2 months they've had me call every department on Earth to see if it is that department I owe. Like if I have nothing to do.

In the mean time it is only the first day of classes and I got to lab at 3pm and will probrably be here sometime after 9pm.

I don't know what is going on with me but I've been having anxiety attacks. No really. My heart pumping like if I were in the middle of a 30 mile race, my body sweating, my head hurting like if I were about to get a migrane, my chest tightening. Carlos keeps telling me to go to the Doctor, but I hate going to the doctor and these attacks only happen every other day. Yes I do admit they only used to happen every 3 years. But whatever.
What may be the cause of these attacks, well it is definitely in part the fact that I have my first lab presentation next week, the fact that classes started and therefore I have NO idea how am I going to get any decent work done, and then there is this $5,560 mysterious debt.
Last week, in order to have my western blot complete and to be able to attend a GSI mandatory meeting I woke up at 4 AM. At 4:30 I drove to San Francisco and washed my membrane, placed it in primary antibody and then in the cold room. Then I split some cells, made sure everything was okay and went back home for breakfast and then drove to my GSI meeting. I met up with Maria and we had tons of fun making fun of all the speakers and reading primary papers. Sometime in the middle of the meeting I looked around and her and I were the only ones reading papers. We met some of Tania's friends. We had a little chit chat. The GSI meeting lasted until 4pm. By then I wanted to die. I went home thinking I could get some shut eye but I had to meet with a new 1st year student. I didn't get shut eye. I barely had something to eat.
By that time, everyone who saw me told me I looked tired. I freaked out the 1st year by telling her that I had woken up at 4am that day and then by telling her all the truth about our lovely little academic department. All the nitty gritty details. I have to admit that some where in the middle of me telling the 1st year everything and teaching her how things work at Berkeley. In the middle of that I smiled inside. Not because I was killing Berkeley but because I was preventing her from feeling as lost and confused and misplaced as I felt last year. Carlos complimented me for going the extra mile and going to re-assure the new student. That felt preatty good too. I went home and I don't remember what I did, but it wasn't sleep.

How can I be feeling so anxious and yet so excited all at the same time? I am sure if they would try this experiment (in-vivo graduate student role) on a monkey the monkey's hair would fry and it will turn into a zombie? Did you guys get that?

It is a well known fact that the later in the day you work, the more tired you are, the worse you'll fuck up your experiments? Can I defy the law of fucked up experiments?
Stay tuned......

Graduate Student Joke

The other day I was thinking of killing myself but I have so much work to do that I couldn't fit it into my schedule....

Family Drama Part II of 1000 Parts.

Uhm, so last weekend I was remembering this cousin of mine. We call him Frank Junior. I was remembering how funny and nice he was. One of the only cousins that always comported himself properly with me. I didn't even get to see him that many times but in the few times I saw him I marked him as a good cousin.
Anyways I was remembering him and thinking of how I was going to invite him to my wedding in Dominican Republic. Thinking how he would enjoy the party and the family being together. Then all the sudden, on Monday, my sister text me telling me that my cousin was shot to death. When they found him he didn't have any ID on him. His wife had to identify him at the morgue.

At the time that I received this messege I was in the middle of doing 12 Mega Preps (extracting DNA from bacteria). I got so hysterical but instead of showing it I just swallowed it all in. What bothers me the most is that sometimes when something terrible like this happens and I can't cry. I can't seem to bring enough tears to cry.
I kept wondering, how could I be in lab acting like if everything in the world is great going on to do 12 preps and in the mean time a "good" cousin of mine has died? How many of these things are going to happen? Within the last year I've lost 2 cousins. One died in December to a heart condition and this one to murder.
How many painful strange huge family events am I going to have to go thru? How many does any one individual go thru in a life time? I mean am I past the limit? Not even close? What is life trying to teach me? When I was a teen, something like this would have either not bothered me at all or depressed me for weeks. What am I supposed to learn from all these events that just keep happening?
Anyways...
Frank was great at dancing Salsa. The family used to call him Che Che Cole because when he was a little boy, that was his favorite song. Frank was almost never serious about anything, he was a kidder. His parents had had a nasty divorce. During and after the divorce, he took it upon himself to take care of his little brother and not let the drama hit him too much.

Virus con Salsa!

I watched “El Cantante”. I had heard that Marc Anthony was trying to make this movie like 2 years ago, and ever since then, I’ve been waiting for it. My waiting for it had nothing to do with Marc Anthony or Jennifer Lopez. It only had to do with Hector Lavoe and music.

I love Latin music. There is nothing that tops it for me. It is like a drug. It enters my ears, enters my bones, and the rhythm just forces the cells in my bonemarrow to jump to its command, and then, then I don’t have a choice, you see, I need to dance and I do it, til I can’t anymore. Sometimes theres is this hunger that enters my body and no food, no drink, no fucking, no smell can fill it, then I hear the drums in the background somewhere in the streets, I dance for 12 hours and I am back to being a normal human being. Sometimes dancing merengue, bachata, salsa is the only thing that can calm my demons.

I didn’t always like Salsa. I could dance Merengue before I could walk. That’s what I always tell my friends cause that’s the truth. I would hold on to the cushions of the sofa and dance, moving my butt covered by pampers. There are pictures. But once you learn the steps and you listen to the words in the old salsa, the words just reach in thru your trechia, like smoke, and roll around your heart and they stay there for days at a time.

With that said, I hope that now you can get a glimpse of why I wanted to watch this movie and that it is true that I don’t give a crap about the actors, but the story itself. So before going to see it I heard the critics, I read some interviews. I thought this was going to be a horrible ridiculous movie with bad continuity, no focus…etc

Thank GOD I was wrong! And that the critiques were Wrong! I sat down, I laughed, I cried, I danced in the theatre. My favorite thing was seeing the words of the song in English, so deep those words. I could see the Americans open mouthed at the meaning of the words being sung in Spanish. People say the movie focuses way to much on drugs. I disagree, you have to remember this was the 60’s the 70’s. I wonder if any of the people saying this have watched Dream Girls or Ray? There is a lot more drugs there.

I went to some websites where the most they gave it was 3 stars and it was rare. I think the reason why they give it so little credit is because they don’t understand it. This is not an American version of Hector Lavoe’s story. This is a Latin 1970’s version of the story. This is as true as it could be. This reminded me of my parents in New York in the 1970's early 80's. They say there is too much focus on the drugs...I laugh! Uhm who the FUCK was not on drugs in New York in the 1960's, 70's, and 80's?! What the hell is the matter with you people? They say that it didn't show enough of the music, well, this is not an MTV video excuse me. I liked the dialogue, what Pushi was saying in this movie scene by scene, is exactly what a latin woman would say, as a wife, and as a mother. We are supportive, we'll tell our husbands that they are better on their own that they are the best, even when they are vomiting into a toilet bowl. We'll demand our kids to stop saying, "I don't know". And we'll push our husbands way too hard, to the point where they have to yell at us. Thats the way it is. Thats all I've ever known as a latin woman.

I get the feeling that the latin critiques are not in favor of it because of Pushi. Because it is his wife’s version of the story, not theirs. All I have to say to them is that if they’ve got another version they should make the other version. There are so many ways this movie could have been done.

Yesterday, I was sooooo depressed. I tried to talk myself out of it. I tried to shake it off. It was not close to what I had been before, but it was how I usually felt at the beginning of a bad one. So today, this morning, I got myself some Yali’s coffee and put my IPOD in my ears as I drove to work. Yalis is in Berkeley so it was counter intuitive, it made my trip to San Francisco a longer drive. But I needed Real coffee. I need it the good stuff. So I put my IPOD blasting in my ear. I didn’t even know til this afternoon that the movie was playing in theatres. The first song in my IPOD is “EL CANTANTE”, the second song is “MI GENTE”, the 5^th song is “Periodico de Ayer”…
By the time I got to work, my depression was gone.

It is funny how I always feel like being a scientists and being a latin carribean Domincan woman are two different lives. Most of the time I feel like the two lives are trying to tear me apart and I don’t know what to do cause I need them BOTH! I need to be both at the same time.

Today I realized they are not so apart. Yesterday, I fucked up many experiments, today the experiments worked and time flew. And it was all due to the fact that listening to Salsa brought true smiles to my face. It energized my “Chee”!

So I need to listen to salsa and move my hips once in a while so that I can do all of these crazy molecular experiments so that I can bring this world just one micrometer closer to helping with AIDS.

Maybe I should put my earphones closer to my viral cultures, see if that will ZAP the virus out of the CD4 T cells. :)
I am not a fan of Jennifer Lopez, I am indifferent to her, but I got to say, Congratulations girl you did it GOOD!

La Nostalgia girl La Nostalgia....

Surviving UCSF Lab Meetings

I don't know if I have explained it yet, how lab meetings work in my new lab. Yeah, so basically anywhere from 3 to 9 people present their most recent results, what those results mean, how they compare it to the papers in the field... Yeah. 1 person can go on for 2 hours and still the other 8 people will also present. In the mean time everyone asks questions, suggests other things to do... blah blah blah. In the mean time I sit there trying to keep up, and eating away all the cheese!

Many things have occurred since last time I posted, specially in lab.
First off, I got results. Things are really working here. But the bad side to that is that now I have to do a presentation. A presentation in this lab is extra extra scary. Everyone knows everything and everyone (except for me) has a million questions. So i know that it will not just be a regurgitating presentation. The good side to that is that if I survive the presentation my self esteem in the lab may actually increase.

Second off, since I never talk in lab meeting the PI has decided to start this trend of directing questions to lab people that are under 25 (He thought I was 22). There are only a handful of people under 30 in this lab. I haven't answered any of the questions he has asked so far. Last week he caught me off guard and I didn't know what he was even saying. Because also one thing you must realize is that he waits until very late in the meeting, like the last 30 (of a 3 hour meeting) minutes to ask. I usually hold for the first 2 hours but NOT for the third hour! Well now he is giving me a reason to stay awake. The only thing is that during the whole meeting I am sweating and stressing instead of just enjoying the presentations.

Third off, my Post Doc has pushed me into a specific project. The one that I wanted, she kind of doesn't want me working on. She says that it is too risky, and I agree but I didn't like being excluded out of it. This has pushed me to searching for a post doc/ project in the lab that I would work with instead, once I accept, if I accept, and IF the PI still wants me after this.

Most of the time whatever these people say sounds to me like Mongolian. I just dont understand 75% of what they say. :( I feel so lost and overwhelmed. I miss having Maria next to me so that I can ask her the stupid questions. She was my stupid question filter. I mean she would answer the stupid questions and then I could ask semi-smart questions. Yeap NO MORE. In the mean time I have forgotten all of my immunology and cell biology. I have even forgotten arithmetic... They say that if you fail the QUAL you get a masters... A masters is not so bad right? :/
My mind is SOOOO exhausted and classes begin in 3 weeks. Some one shoot me please!

Another day another brain fart in Lab Meeting

This is my second lab meeting. In my first lab meeting there was ALOT I told my self I would have to look up. And since I was unfed and exhausted there was a part I missed.

In this lab meeting I kind of fell asleep because the last presenter started talking about neurology. I wasn't seeing the connection except for the fact that there was NFkB in the subject and the fact that HIV infects microglia. But the connection never came they never made it across the bridge so my attention started to move on. I don't even remember what I was thinking about.
All of the sudden the PI interrupts and asks, "Isa, do you know what Chromatin Immunoprecipitation is?" I automatcally answered "No," just because I heard the word Chromatin. Then as she explained it all came back to me, "CHip!" Out of all the things in the world how could I fucked up with CHip?
I have no idea, but it happend. I blushed soooo hard for getting caught like that in the first place. And then I wanted to crush my head on the table when I realized that I already knew Chip
By the way Chip is used to detect if a protein binds to a specific gene or part of a genome, in vivo. Yeah, brain farting here. Can someone shoot me?

Reviewing a paper in the New Lab..

So this paper was submitted to a very important Journal. It had 7 figures and for each figure it had 5 supplementery figures. I had been trying to read the paper for a week. By the weekend I understood it and was optomistic, by today, in the morning I was not so optomistic, between the things that they would say in the paragraphs and the things that were in the figure...

The way a paper is reviewed in this lab is that each and everyone of us says if they like it, what do they think the relevance is, and how it flowed... Then a leader talks about the paper, going figure by figure saying what it is they think is wrong with the figure and what they like/don't like.

It took 2 hours to go thru this paper. I barely said a word. There was only 2 figures I spoke of and my opinions were hardly heard. But before I had joined the meeting I had sat down with my post doc and told her the things I thought were wrong. It was a bad and good thing to do. First, it was good because she got to see that I had caught ALOT of the mistakes that she had caught and second it was bad because at the meeting she just said what I said along with all the other stuff she'd caught.
It is not that she stole my opinion it is just that most of them were obvious. She actually mentioned my name on some of the statements.
Anyways. I like that about this lab. The fact that the PI actually shares reviewing papers with you cause that way you get to see why papers get rejected. It makes you even MORE critical. So I caught some stuff but at the same time I got to see and listen to what other experiments could be done.
Since I didn't say much I am pist off at myself for having stressed so much.
Today when my PI entered the meeting room he looked very upset (mad) but then he immediately lightened up. I thought he would take his stress out on us like SOOOOOOO many PI's do but NOPE. So far my PI is a sweetheart. GOD I hope he stays that way!

So happy together: Tahoe 2007

Why we need to LET go.

Hey! This entry is more for all the women I know that have had a LOT of trouble letting go...

Some weeks ago, I watched a movie about Camille Cloudel. Camille was the lover of Rodin and at the same time a fine sculptor herself. She was the one that did most of the work on his sculptures. She was his pupil. At the time it was very common for artists to have pupils doing most of the work and then them coming in to put their last minute “genious” into the work. This is very close to what happends between a lot of PI's and their Post Docs.. They had a very intense and wonderful affair but Rodin was married with multiple children. In the end Camille got pregnant and had an abortion. When she asked Rodin to marry her she got nothing back but rambling. In his last exhibition before she left him, everyone knew that the one to praise was her.

And after that, the story is ultra sad really. Here was this talented artist that could have surpassed the very Rodin but instead she wallowed in their break up for so long so deeply that in the end she ended up turning into a schizophrenic paranoid freak.
This is what the movie depicted.
It was painful to watch her waste away her talents on a love that could have never been. I myself don’t understand women that attempt anything with married men.

Camille was institutionalize for 20 years of her life from how crazy she got for a love that never was. It is so hard I know, but sometimes we just can't trust our hearts, we have to go with our brain cells. In the end you have to ask your self what do I want? Do I want to keep wallowing in this or do I want to make new stories, new events in my life.

I for one, have to say that I am ultra glad I chose the latter. I never thought it would turn out this good. When I threw away the Rodin in my life, I became a zombie for 3 years! To actually look at the current relationship and see NOTHING, absolutely NOThing wrong? I never could have imagined that before. It just couldn't possibly get better.

I've seen women that haven't let go. I saw, many times the alternative, the "Camille" pathway. In fact when I was watching this movie I remembered how close I HAD been to Camille's situation. I could have easily gone schizophrenic and gone into an institution. It is easy really. This option is the easy way. Because to let go it takes tons of energy it takes time. Going nuts, feeling sorry for yourself, and wallowing doesn't take any effort at all. It is what your heart wants you to do, it is what your body wants to do and it is what your mind can do at the time.

Going to work, getting that degree you always wanted, trying to imagine some one new touching you, working on a new relationship, THAT takes EFFORT, that takes STRENGTH. And it is just SO worth it, so BEYOND worth it. Just try it. Only, you must remember, it took ME 3 years!!!! So this is not going to happen overnight. Nothing good in life happends overnight. Except maybe a capture antibody in an ELISA. And even that sometimes just turns out shitty.

See you later kitties.

Friends or Results?

So here I am in UCSF.
What can I say? Oh it is just wonderful? I love it?
Well that is not exactly the story.
For the first time in my life I have friends. And guess what? Those friends are in Berkeley. So here I am in a 100x's better HIV research lab in UCSF but I am just miserable.
This morning I was thinking that UCSF was right to reject my ass. I am not like the other rotation students in that lab. It is Albert Einstein all over again. I can't communicate with anyone. They are "too smart too educated" to talk to me. So here I am, stuck in a corner yet getting results. Whats more important?
It is okay, I can talk about results because Carlos said that evil gnomes can't swim across to San Francisco and the toll is too expensive for gnomes and the traffic alone will kill them with frustrations. So there, thats one good thing about UCSF, the evil gnomes can't reach my results and destroy them.

Like I was asking... Whats more important? Friends or results? I've been wanting both all my FUCKING life. Can I have my cake and eat it too? There is soooo much money in this lab it is ridiculously delicious. It is as delicious as Prailines and Cream Ice cream. But what do I do about social skills? I've got NO ONE over there. It is like being stranded in the Island of San Francisco. I've already given up so much, sleep, children, pets, family, the East Coast, what else? Now my new friends?
Wonderful.
Welcome to science you Fucking Naive idiots... May you all get the Nobel Prize in a month.

Happy 4th of July kitties..
Aww... It has been a fine day today.
Carlos and I went to a picnic at his job. It was ultra hot up there in Lucas Valley. Too hot for a picnic but the burgers were good.
We ended up lying down on the grass under a tree next to a lake. We stayed for 2 1/2 hours.. I met 2 of his bosses but they were very short on the conversation.
Carlos doesn't know that many people yet.
Anyways we came home and we just laid on the couch fell asleep for like an hour and then started preparing our burgers for Sheri and Maria.
It is supposed to be my week off but all I am doing is stressing over my next rotation.
I am procrastinating by cleaning the apartment, obsessing over a wedding thats in 2 years and Haggen Daz ice cream, and then stressing in between. At the end of last week and the beginning of this one I was depressed over my last presentation. I just didn't like it.
I think I am finally recuperating.
Tomorrow I'll start reading over HIV, and then on Friday we are supposed to take off to Tahoe! Wooooo HOOOO!

Mutating into a Scientist

The torture of my ridiculous 2nd rotation is over. I presented yesterday. I feel like everyone thought I was the worst presenter they'd ever seen. I felt like Dr Beatty was just ashamed, dissapointed. But the truth is that I do not care. I am just glad to be out of there. At the same time this job is so heavy on your emotions and your stress that you even miss its worst moments. It is like a victim missing her abuser or something. So what do I mean by that? Well here I am at home, and instead of being completely happy that is over, on my first day off, my first day that I have overslept, Here I am missing my pipettes, missing experiments missing science.

Why is it that the longer I stay in this program the more obsess I become to science? Why is it that I can't even stay away from it for a day? I can't even bear to think of a whole week? What is going on? Am I mutating into a scientist? Has the mutation begun? Already at such an early stage.

I got to say I've learned hell of A LOT these past few semesters and rotations. When I first got to Berkeley I could hardly distinguish between a Western blot and a Northern and a Southern. I mean I would actually confuse them. Now they are so different to me. Now I know what I am looking for when I look at a gel.

This week off is not even really off. I need to re-read all of my HIV books again. I need to read my new boss's grant. I need to know as much as possible or else.... I want this new boss to want me in his lab. I want to be good. And at the same time, there are just NO excuses, cause baby this is HIV, Immunology, and Isa, we are talking about. I am supposed to know this! And of course I do not want to dissapoint anyone.
I am the first Berkeley student my new boss will experience. I can't afford to look like an idiot to him.
The last 2 presentations that I have done for my rotations can be summarized as pitiful, at least in my opinion. I want my 3rd rotation presentation to be phenominal in MY OPINION. I want to make so that when the professor asks me a question I can answer it and WILL! I don't want the professor to start a whole new conversation with my rotation mentor. I want my presentation to be REALLY GOOD. Impressive! So I am definitely gonna work on it really hard this time. I am not going to let myself get so buried in my work that I don't work on my presentation. That is all... That is a promise to myself.

My current boss, she wants to meet with me next week to talk. I don't know exactly about what. I am going to ask her to be crudely honest. I need the truth, so that next time I can know what I need to do.

Anyways....GOts to go start reading folks... sees you later!

Drama and my Political thoughts....

One common denominator that you can gather from all grad students is that they are all hard on themselves. That of course, does not exclude me.

There are many moments in which I look back at undergrad, I look at my GPA and I wonder, what the hell happend. What the heck could have possibly happend that would prevent me from having a better GPA. I go thru my list of excuses, I explain to people what happend and they just look at me with disbelieve. They hardly can believe all the things that happend during highschool and my undergrad. I myself in the mean time feel like I am just going thru a list of excuses that don't measure up. But just this past week something happend that reminded me how it feels to be in a huge family full of extraterrestrial problems.

My stepfather is a legal immigrant. He has been in the United States for over 20 years. He was actually trying to apply for citizenship just last year and he passed everything except the English reading part of the test. He knew about the structure of our government. He knew the history of the United States. He tried testing me on how many members there are in congress, in the house of representative how many years do they last in office....All that stuff. I failed so miserably cause the last time I ever thought about those things was in Junior High Government class. But he knew all the numbers...

He knows how to speak English but he has never really seen the need to learn how to fully read it. He used to work in construction. He was so good at it that he almost started building his own company, but my stepfather is a farmer. He is a simple person. He is not interested in becoming a CEO. All he wants is for the world to leave him alone. All he wants is to get home, see his children, have some drinks with his brothers, and fall asleep to the sound of some Bachata.

My entire family is constantly filled with problems that he runs away from by driving trucks across the country. Thats right, in order to escape my mom's (and other family member's) thirst for conflicts he drives trucks for a living. He goes for days at a time driving back and forth.
Only this time he drove someone else's route into New Mexico. He hit an immigration check point and they asked him for his papers. When he didn't have the papers he told the officer "but I am not going anywhere international"... The officers didn't care they arrested him. The most ironic thing is that his prisoner number is his residency number (National resident of the United States), so they knew he was legal!
It makes my blood boil.

Now they have had him in Jail for a week. There is no bail. My mom is going to have to scrounge up $20,000 DOLLARS out of NO where because the glorious United States Government has my stepfather arrested without charges, without cause, and with proof of his innocence, proof of his legal residence. I don't know about you but this sounds like a GRAND scam to me.
When my mom contacted a lawyer the lawyer adviced her: He should get a better job. He should get a job that keeps him closer to his family. Which is another thing that makes my blood boil. What the FUCK does his job have to do with this? My stepfather is a LEGAL resident you stupid FUCK! Which SHOULD mean that he has the same rights as a LEGAL citizen of the United States. Which SHOULD mean that he can have any job he wants in the WORLD!

I've encounter a lot of people who, when you mention some mistake in the system here in the United States they crucify you. They tell you basically that there is nothing NOTHING wrong with the United States. You tell them, this immigration thing is just not right....the idea of wanting to just throw everyone out, of just arresting everyone who looks a little "Off White".. And they just yell at you, "THEY are all criminals! They are all stupid! They are all evil"....

It is so sad. The United States used to be something really special to me. It used to be the land that saved my family's life (my family ran away from persecution in Dominican Republic during Trujillo's time). One more ironic thing is that the first thing our past (Trujillo) dictator did, is put checkpoints of citizenship all over the country.

In reality it makes my hair stand to see how many new laws in the last 8 years seem very similar to the laws that the Dominican Republic had while under dictatorship. I mean I may not remember how many years is the term of a senator or a representative but the one thing I know is that there were no random immigration check points within the United States (not placed on the border) in the 1970's and I am preaty sure there were none in the 1980's. The US is turning into something ruined, something scary. What most Americans don't understand is that by writing the country off as "PERFECT" and not wanting to rethink, recognize, or even discuss the things that may need changes or correction, they themselves are slowly walking into a path that leads a country into not being FREE, into being just like the land that my family (a generation ago) had to run away from.

Democracy is hard people. You have to know what is going on, you have to look at your opponents point of view. You have to consider consequences years ahead, and alternatives. We are not doing that anymore. Everyone is just considering their own point of view, and in the mean time even LEGAL immigrants are getting hurt, really badly. How badly?
Well here is a simple (almost middle class) family trying to make it and yet my mom is going to have to come up with 20,000 dollars, my stepfather has not worked (so far) in a week.
So what? What does it matter you ask? These are just uneducated simple stupid immigrants you say? Well, you are so wrong... My sister got an offer from Harvard and Yale for her undergrad and here I am.....at UC Berkeley.
What people don't understand is that brilliant people come from simple families too. Simple families are just as valuable as RICH OLD money folks.
So this is just one of the many example of the kinds of things that I have to endure while I am in school.

My sister called me last Friday, hysterical because her father was in jail. She'd never known anyone in jail because all the other drama happend years ago when she was too little to remember. These kinds of things, legal, emotional, physical, international problems are very common in my family. I had to calm her down....

I saw a quote the other day:
They came for the Jews
But I am not Jew so I didn't do anything about it
They came for the Homosexuals
But I am not gay so I didn't do anything about it
Then they came for the Black people
But I am not Black so I didn't do anything about it
Then they came for ME
But there was no one to defend me cause everyone else was already GONE!

Also there was a quote I saw one day in a New York restaurant bathroom which I think also applies to the state of our democracy right now.....
Jazz is not dead
It just smells funny...

Replace the word Jazz with American democracy please. This is definitely smelling funny to me....
SO, What do you think? Do you think that if all the sudden you found out your parents were in jail that would affect your grade on a test the next week? I think so.

Lab Presentations Suck...Specially in Labs that you Don't Like

Yeah, so my lab presentation is in 2 weeks. I know, why am I stressing about it now? Well I am stressing cause I haven't read the background on this project, Not enough to make a lab presentation.
So here I am feeling to lazy to read and yet in the back of my mind, worrying.
Do I even have some results? Well I have a few things. And also a few more experiments that I've set up and will set up this week before the weekend.
Carlos' Birthday is this week (Thursday). How the hell am I going to do everything I need to do is a universal mystery. Thats right, Aliens 3 galaxies away from this one are watching us with a special microscope and they are wondering how I am going to get away with this one.
Another bad thing is that the Gringa from HELL is going to be there. Actually there are a few gringas from hell in this lab but the most evil will be there.
I am not afraid though, I've faced the devil many times. This witch can just kiss my ass!
Anyways it is 10:30 pm on a Sunday night and I am, ofcourse, in lab where are you at this onGOdLY hour? Do you know where your kids are?

I am rambling cause I am hungry and bored to DEATH. Have I mentioned how much I hate this lab?